Meet Abigail. She was created neutral and so she works well with everything, but alas we always want to be what we’re not. Abigail saw the Royal Tenenbaums when she was a teenager and after seeing how sexy and fascinating Margot’s tortured soul was, Abigail knew she had to step up her game. Now she will only listen to music on vinyl records, she has taken up smoking American Spirit cigarettes, but is also vegan, of course. Abigail wears thick-rimmed tortoise shell glasses that are not prescription and are totally unnecessary. She wore overalls last Tuesday. She is planning a pilgrimage next year to visit the childhood homes of dead Pulitzer Prize winning authors who have died what she considers to be “tragic deaths” in order to better understand the roots of their suffering and how it enhanced their art. Yikes. You feel the need to check in on Abigail from time to time to make sure she’s not taking all this eccentricity too far. She isn’t exactly fun at parties but she has managed a pretty high cool factor over the years. She goes on and on about Bob Dylan and will only refer to his songs as “poetry” but deep down her favorite artist is Britney, bitch. TAKE HER HOME!
But tonight Harriett is going to rev Dan’s engine! She started with an immensely painful wax this morning which was also quite demoralizing, as Harriett certainly lived up to her name. Tonight she’ll corner Dan after the kids are in bed.
Meet Dottie.She’s that person you know who is obsessed with the Olympics.She hosts an opening ceremony viewing party each year and commands an intense focus normally reserved for a lottery drawing or a breaking news announcement
Of course she will have a cellophane wrapped gift for each teacher containing a candle, lotion, chocolate covered almonds and a $25 target gift card to be hand-delivered by their children on the first day.Her back windshield will be covered with bubble letters written in shoe polish exclaiming ‘Back to School for Paxton and Claxton!’
