Purse Profiles

Mommy Lauren

Meet Lauren. She’s a mom. Lauren has been there for her children every step of the way. There was that time her 2 year old got into his poopy diaper at quiet time and played in it for 30 minutes before he was discovered- poop was in every crevice in that room. Or how about the absolute agony she endured pushing her

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PALMER

She just dragged the groom out onto the dance floor and tried to twerk in front of him. She heckled the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet (something along the lines of “IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!”) and just asked the mother of the bride for a cigarette. 😬

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SHE'S PERFECT

She’s not nearly as perfect as she seems, and that makes you like her a little more doesn’t it?

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Candi & Candlebox...

Through a mouthful of braces and an unforgiving curtain of half-grown out bangs, she would croon the hypnotic melodies of her time: “Runaway Train”, “Fade Into You”, “Evenflo”...”Loser”. ...

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She's A Monster...

Lacroix is gross.
3 Doors Down is the voice of our generation.
There’s nothing cozier than sleeping in socks (thermostat set at a cozy 75).
Checkers has the best fries. OH Dolly....

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HOT MOMS

The four of them will don their masks tonight and make their way to Chili’s for bottomless wings and margaritas. They’ll sit in the bar area because HOTMAMA is in the market for a new man. She’ll be sure to be a little sexy and let her black bra strap slip out. 

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"Welcome to the Jungle"

She will also remind Farrah in a million different ways that she is the CURRENT First Lady of Fish and Wildlife Paradise. She emphasizes this through her unapologetic use of large gemstone jewelry and luxury-branded accessories. Farrah’s father in law and brothers in law are not comfortable making eye contact with her yet so she’ll have to see how that goes but that’s not a great sign. 

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It's Complicated

Teegan is complicated, and requires patience but she is more fun than you can imagine, and funny every day. And she loves fiercely so you wouldn’t trade her for the world. 

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Which one is the real Courtney?

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Galentines Girls

They’ll go to the nicest French restaurant in town, where they will order continuous bottles of champagne and get so drunk that Tawnee will begin berating their waiter, basically for being a man, but then will end up making out with him in the employees-only storage room at the end of the meal. 

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Go Beth, Go!

Beth always has a perky smile on her face and a ribbon in her hair. Nobody wields glitter like Beth, always ready for a quick poster or a dazzling locker decoration. She can B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E. 

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The Sex Ed Teacher

Meet Katie. She’s a Sex Ed teacher at Sherwood Middle School, and she does not mince words. Katie has been explaining the birds and the bees to fifth graders for 15 years and her matter-of-fact manner makes her perfect for the job. She makes intense, unbreakable eye contact with the 11 year old boys as she explains how their testacles will soon drop - is impervious to their red faces and squirming as she details all the places they will grow hair. 

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Lucinda

Her best friend is having to practically pin her down to prevent her from cutting bangs that end 3 inches above her eyebrows. Lucinda is already planning her trip to England for when this pandemic lets up. Her husband has certainly benefited from her Bridgerton viewing, if you know what I mean,

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Champagne and Chanel

I am so in love that I went ahead and made one! I’ll have more of these next month but I couldn’t help myself. It’s a boucle and really reminds me of a Chanel suit. I named her Jackie, and I can tell you that she loves to give off a stiff, cold vibe. She is reed thin, beautiful and so stylish you’d think she’s French.

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Bravo!!!

Adele recently bragged that his grip during their lift got quite...exploratory.  Tanya just loves the way he looks in those vests - SWOON! In one week they will debut this year’s Nutcracker at the Kenosha Community Theater

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Annie the art student

Meet Annie.  She’s an art student with a fetish for older men. She’s in grad school earning her MFA in soft sculpture. Ooooh...  So Annie decided to do a semester in Italy, and among other artistic challenges, she decided that seducing poor Professor Tom was at the top of her list. 

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Banana Clips and Frosted Grape Lipstick

Meet Isabella. You don’t have to tell her she’s sexy, she already knows that. Isabella knows what men like, and that’s tight clothing, and big hair. Her rollerblading outfit: tight black high-rise jeans, pink sports bra, hair pulled half back in a banana clip. Frosted grape lipstick.  BOOM. Curves for days!!! 

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OMG Ssstacey!

Meet Ssstacey. She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, creating drama anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like - she just doesn’t feel right leaving the house if she’s not completely put together. 

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GINA

Meet Gina. She likes fast cars, bad boys and Looney Toons character tattoos. She has one of Tweety Bird giving you the finger on her left shoulder blade. You know those ridiculous tricked-out Dodge Chargers you occasionally see on the road with a racing stripe up the center, painted Nickelodeon slime green and 

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IRIS

Meet Iris. It’s 3:17 am and she can’t sleep...again. 

Her inner dialogue:  ‘Just going to relax and go right back to sleep. I’m not worried about this at all. I’m so relaxed. Shit did I remember to cancel my dentist appointment for tomorrow afternoon?? I wonder what time they open? Stop thinking, go back to sleep. *——————-* What should I make for lunches? Do we have any turkey? 

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Kate

This is Kate. She is extremely passive aggressive, and life with her is a gigantic gaslight. Her lifelong best friend is in lifelong therapy, solely because of their dynamic. 

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Margaret

Meet Margaret. Her 7 year old daughter plays rec soccer and Margaret IS NOT HAVING ANY OF THE OTHER TEAM’S SHIT. Do you hear me?? Little McKenna loves to get out on the field and just have fun running around with her friends.

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Barbara

Barbara claims to support the middle class, but her plan would create a 534% increase in taxes. In 2016 she was seen rolling her eyes at an elderly person at the supermarket. 

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Mrs. Claws

Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!! But what you may not know is that Mrs. Claws is the real power behind the man.

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Ruth

Meet Ruth- she’s tiny but mighty. She’s intense, and somewhat quiet but may be one of the most intimidating women ever. Ruth grew up in a working class family but was brilliant, and ended up attending Cornell where she met her outgoing, gregarious husband - the first boy she’d ever dated who actually cared that she had a brain. 

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Danielle

Meet Danielle. She’s a total fox, and refuses to age without a fight. But that battle hasn’t come cheaply or easily. She plays tennis three times a week, does Pilates twice, and does not eat dairy, gluten or sugar. She got a boob job 7 years ago so her figure is a frequent topic of discussion out on the golf course with the Friday afternoon banking crowd. Just as she hopes

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Krissa

Meet Krissa. She was once known as the “Queen of Fine Cuisine” worldwide. She attended the world’s finest cooking schools, worked in five star kitchens alongside some of the most notorious little asshole chefs you can think of in half the cosmopolitan cities on the globe. She slept with a few of them...

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Macy

Meet Macy. She has perfect vision. Some might even say “2020” vision (stay with me here...). This b*tch is out to ruin your life. First, she went on a trip over to China, where she posted endless selfies in front of exotic and beautiful places (including a bat sanctuary and a bio lab). She came back feeling and seeming totally fine, but did have a scratchy throat.

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Laura

Heeeeere comes Laura!  So, she was on her way to the panhandle area initially. Then somewhere along the way she met up with Marco, who came from Cuba. Whoa boy.

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Lindsay

Meet Lindsay. She can’t get “Informer” by Snow out of her head. Now it will be in yours too- you’re welcome. She got a puppy yesterday and is severely sleep-deprived. The last two days she and her family have waaaay overdone the treats so he had diarrhea on her seagrass rug this afternoon

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Stephanie

Meet Stephanie. She’s desperate for her kids to resume IN-PERSON school next month!! God help her she cannot continue the Zoom monitors and supplementary explanations for one more minute! Except that what if her kids got Covid?? What if she has one of the few children who might end up in the hospital??

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Lauren

This is Lauren. She has recently learned that she is anemic after a 5-year absence from her PCP due to a long-standing needle phobia. Now that she is officially anemic, she has noticed all manner of ailments that she’s never noticed before. Excessive bloating. Fatigue. Brain fog (she’s read a lot about that - surely this is why she can’t calculate tips in her head), dry skin...the list goes on.

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The College Friends

These are four old college friends who are going on a girls trip to the beach. They desperately need this getaway. They spent about an hour debating over text whether they should get trip insurance after a 3-day back and forth over the actual beach house. One refuses to sleep in a bunk bed, and two say they’ll sleep anywhere (but will be annoyed to get the bunk bed). 

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