Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices.
Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!
Meet Tina. She gets triggered easily, but she means well. Lately she’s been trying to clean up her language - for the kids. She’s learning how unsatisfying “gosh” and “darn” are. “Rats” is just completely off the table, and she’s on the fence about whether or not it’s ok to say “crap”.
Meet Debbie. She’s living that yacht life in 1982. She’s a divorcé making the most of her financial independence. Her yacht is named “Baker Street” so you could say her sax life is pretty good. 😎🎷 Debbie loves the smooth sounds of Steely Dan, and worships at the altar of Christopher Cross.
Meet Cora. She teaches improv classes to middle schoolers. Cora sees past those braces, past the awkward hair that has yet to be tamed, past the budding acne to the THESPIAN within! She begins class with a tongue warm-up:”Peter Piper picked a pepper. Peter Piper picked a pepper.” The trick is to over-enunciate. Cora finds that she is the only person in the room performing this exercise correctly in each class.
...She throws away bags of white shredded cheese after exactly 5 days because you can’t see if there is white mold on it or not. No she does not want to taste your drink. She does kiss her husband and children on the lips, but it is obvious that she hesitates and stiffens. Keep it dry. The thought has crossed her mind, when walking around her neighborhood, that car tires drive over roadkill, then track God-knows-what from that all over the roads, and she then walks through the invisible filth.
Meet Ssstacey. She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like - she “just doesn’t feel right leaving the house” if she’s not completely put together.
...Her towels are monogrammed and she only carries logo handbags. She leaves her sunglasses on indoors, “forgetting” to take them off. Vicky gets a spray tan once a week and has a face full of Botox at age 31. She has graduated up to a size F bra, thank you Dennis. And she shows those puppies off every chance she gets!
Meet Katy. She just got back from a very fancy spa and the experience was…well…interesting. Katy waited with excited anticipation, naked beneath her robe, for the Spa’s signature 80-minute “treatment”. The first step was a hot spring soak, and as the therapist led Katy into the room that featured a drawn bubble bath, she closed the door behind her and instructed Katy to remove her robe. While she stands there watching. Katy is a bit taken aback but decides this is a spa experience and she’ll go with it.
