Purse Profiles

Galentines Girls

March 11, 2021

They’ll go to the nicest French restaurant in town, where they will order continuous bottles of champagne and get so drunk that Tawnee will begin berating their waiter, basically for being a man, but then will end up making out with him in the employees-only storage room at the end of the meal.

Go Beth, Go!

March 11, 2021

Beth always has a perky smile on her face and a ribbon in her hair. Nobody wields glitter like Beth, always ready for a quick poster or a dazzling locker decoration. She can B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.

The Sex Ed Teacher

March 11, 2021

Meet Katie. She’s a Sex Ed teacher at Sherwood Middle School, and she does not mince words. Katie has been explaining the birds and the bees to fifth graders for 15 years and her matter-of-fact manner makes her perfect for the job. She makes intense, unbreakable eye contact with the 11 year old boys as she explains how their testacles will soon drop - is impervious to their red faces and squirming as she details all the places they will grow hair.

Lucinda

March 11, 2021

Her best friend is having to practically pin her down to prevent her from cutting bangs that end 3 inches above her eyebrows. Lucinda is already planning her trip to England for when this pandemic lets up. Her husband has certainly benefited from her Bridgerton viewing, if you know what I mean,

Champagne and Chanel

March 11, 2021

I am so in love that I went ahead and made one! I’ll have more of these next month but I couldn’t help myself. It’s a boucle and really reminds me of a Chanel suit. I named her Jackie, and I can tell you that she loves to give off a stiff, cold vibe. She is reed thin, beautiful and so stylish you’d think she’s French.

Bravo!!!

March 11, 2021

Adele recently bragged that his grip during their lift got quite...exploratory. Tanya just loves the way he looks in those vests - SWOON! In one week they will debut this year’s Nutcracker at the Kenosha Community Theater

Annie the art student

March 11, 2021

Meet Annie. She’s an art student with a fetish for older men. She’s in grad school earning her MFA in soft sculpture. Ooooh... So Annie decided to do a semester in Italy, and among other artistic challenges, she decided that seducing poor Professor Tom was at the top of her list.

Banana Clips and Frosted Grape Lipstick

March 11, 2021

Meet Isabella. You don’t have to tell her she’s sexy, she already knows that. Isabella knows what men like, and that’s tight clothing, and big hair. Her rollerblading outfit: tight black high-rise jeans, pink sports bra, hair pulled half back in a banana clip. Frosted grape lipstick. BOOM. Curves for days!!!

OMG Ssstacey!

March 11, 2021

Meet Ssstacey. She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, creating drama anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like - she just doesn’t feel right leaving the house if she’s not completely put together.

GINA

March 11, 2021

Meet Gina. She likes fast cars, bad boys and Looney Toons character tattoos. She has one of Tweety Bird giving you the finger on her left shoulder blade. You know those ridiculous tricked-out Dodge Chargers you occasionally see on the road with a racing stripe up the center, painted Nickelodeon slime green and

IRIS

March 11, 2021

Meet Iris. It’s 3:17 am and she can’t sleep...again.

Her inner dialogue: ‘Just going to relax and go right back to sleep. I’m not worried about this at all. I’m so relaxed. Shit did I remember to cancel my dentist appointment for tomorrow afternoon?? I wonder what time they open? Stop thinking, go back to sleep. *——————-* What should I make for lunches? Do we have any turkey?

Kate

March 04, 2021

This is Kate. She is extremely passive aggressive, and life with her is a gigantic gaslight. Her lifelong best friend is in lifelong therapy, solely because of their dynamic.

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