Purse Profiles

Margaret

Meet Margaret. Her 7 year old daughter plays rec soccer and Margaret IS NOT HAVING ANY OF THE OTHER TEAM’S SHIT. Do you hear me?? Little McKenna loves to get out on the field and just have fun running around with her friends.

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Barbara

Barbara claims to support the middle class, but her plan would create a 534% increase in taxes. In 2016 she was seen rolling her eyes at an elderly person at the supermarket. 

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Mrs. Claws

Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!! But what you may not know is that Mrs. Claws is the real power behind the man.

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Ruth

Meet Ruth- she’s tiny but mighty. She’s intense, and somewhat quiet but may be one of the most intimidating women ever. Ruth grew up in a working class family but was brilliant, and ended up attending Cornell where she met her outgoing, gregarious husband - the first boy she’d ever dated who actually cared that she had a brain. 

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Danielle

Meet Danielle. She’s a total fox, and refuses to age without a fight. But that battle hasn’t come cheaply or easily. She plays tennis three times a week, does Pilates twice, and does not eat dairy, gluten or sugar. She got a boob job 7 years ago so her figure is a frequent topic of discussion out on the golf course with the Friday afternoon banking crowd. Just as she hopes

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Krissa

Meet Krissa. She was once known as the “Queen of Fine Cuisine” worldwide. She attended the world’s finest cooking schools, worked in five star kitchens alongside some of the most notorious little asshole chefs you can think of in half the cosmopolitan cities on the globe. She slept with a few of them...

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Macy

Meet Macy. She has perfect vision. Some might even say “2020” vision (stay with me here...). This b*tch is out to ruin your life. First, she went on a trip over to China, where she posted endless selfies in front of exotic and beautiful places (including a bat sanctuary and a bio lab). She came back feeling and seeming totally fine, but did have a scratchy throat.

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Laura

Heeeeere comes Laura!  So, she was on her way to the panhandle area initially. Then somewhere along the way she met up with Marco, who came from Cuba. Whoa boy.

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Lindsay

Meet Lindsay. She can’t get “Informer” by Snow out of her head. Now it will be in yours too- you’re welcome. She got a puppy yesterday and is severely sleep-deprived. The last two days she and her family have waaaay overdone the treats so he had diarrhea on her seagrass rug this afternoon

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Stephanie

Meet Stephanie. She’s desperate for her kids to resume IN-PERSON school next month!! God help her she cannot continue the Zoom monitors and supplementary explanations for one more minute! Except that what if her kids got Covid?? What if she has one of the few children who might end up in the hospital??

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Lauren

This is Lauren. She has recently learned that she is anemic after a 5-year absence from her PCP due to a long-standing needle phobia. Now that she is officially anemic, she has noticed all manner of ailments that she’s never noticed before. Excessive bloating. Fatigue. Brain fog (she’s read a lot about that - surely this is why she can’t calculate tips in her head), dry skin...the list goes on.

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The College Friends

These are four old college friends who are going on a girls trip to the beach. They desperately need this getaway. They spent about an hour debating over text whether they should get trip insurance after a 3-day back and forth over the actual beach house. One refuses to sleep in a bunk bed, and two say they’ll sleep anywhere (but will be annoyed to get the bunk bed). 

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Brooke

Meet Brooke - she’s the 17 year old overzealous lifeguard at your pool. Brooke may be spending her summer weekend nights getting drunk on the peach Schnapps at the back of her parents’ liquor cabinet, but during the days she’s drunk on power. 

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Parker

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Kim

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Lora

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Shareen

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Amber

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Temperance

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Sheridan

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Sandra

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Liz

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Kelly

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Claudia

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Catherine

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Mug Shots

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Amy

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Rachel

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Diane

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Jane Smith

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Angie

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Victoria

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Eleanore

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