Purse Profiles

Abigail

July 04, 2021

Abigail knew she had to step up her game. Now she will only listen to music on vinyl records, she has taken up smoking Virginia Slims, and is vegan, of course. Abigail wears thick-rimmed tortoise shell glasses that are not prescription and are totally unnecessary. She wore overalls last Tuesday. She is planning a pilgrimage next year to visit the childhood homes of dead Pulitzer Prize winning authors who have died what she considers to be "tragic deaths" in order

GUCCI EMPIRE

July 04, 2021

Meet Donatella. Her family owns the Gucci empire and she's not subtle about it. Well...by her "family" it's really a second cousin once-removed by marriage on her step-mother's side. And Donatella lives in Columbia. South Carolina. Also her real name is Emily but she insists Donatella is a family name. That does not stop her from establishing her questionable lineage in the most public and sensational ways possible, all over town!

ELLEN

July 04, 2021

Meet Ellen. She moved out to L.A. back when she was 20 (longer ago than she admits to in interviews). When she arrived she was starry-eyed and STD-free. She lived in some shabby apartment building with a bunch of other up-and-comers that you've now heard of. She took improv classes, she waited tables, she slept with bartenders and casting agents.

Mommy Lauren

May 05, 2021

Meet Lauren. She’s a mom. Lauren has been there for her children every step of the way. There was that time her 2 year old got into his poopy diaper at quiet time and played in it for 30 minutes before he was discovered- poop was in every crevice in that room. Or how about the absolute agony she endured pushing her

PALMER

April 13, 2021

She just dragged the groom out onto the dance floor and tried to twerk in front of him. She heckled the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet (something along the lines of “IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!”) and just asked the mother of the bride for a cigarette. 😬

SHE'S PERFECT

April 13, 2021

She’s not nearly as perfect as she seems, and that makes you like her a little more doesn’t it?

Candi & Candlebox...

April 13, 2021

Through a mouthful of braces and an unforgiving curtain of half-grown out bangs, she would croon the hypnotic melodies of her time: “Runaway Train”, “Fade Into You”, “Evenflo”...”Loser”. ...

She's A Monster...

April 13, 2021

Lacroix is gross.
3 Doors Down is the voice of our generation.
There’s nothing cozier than sleeping in socks (thermostat set at a cozy 75).
Checkers has the best fries. OH Dolly....

HOT MOMS

March 11, 2021

The four of them will don their masks tonight and make their way to Chili’s for bottomless wings and margaritas. They’ll sit in the bar area because HOTMAMA is in the market for a new man. She’ll be sure to be a little sexy and let her black bra strap slip out.

"Welcome to the Jungle"

March 11, 2021

She will also remind Farrah in a million different ways that she is the CURRENT First Lady of Fish and Wildlife Paradise. She emphasizes this through her unapologetic use of large gemstone jewelry and luxury-branded accessories. Farrah’s father in law and brothers in law are not comfortable making eye contact with her yet so she’ll have to see how that goes but that’s not a great sign.

It's Complicated

March 11, 2021

Teegan is complicated, and requires patience but she is more fun than you can imagine, and funny every day. And she loves fiercely so you wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Which one is the real Courtney?

March 11, 2021

As a young girl Courtney realized she was looking down at her friends. At first it meant that she always had to be the daddy when they played house. As they got older and she became interested in boys, she found that she towered over most of them. Except Seth who still picked his nose and always threatened to wipe it on people. Seth was not an option....

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