Meet Ashley. She's in a cult. Ashley grew up in a pretty typical family in the suburbs of Tempe, but her mother's controlling ways drove her to the arms of Simone Smith, founder of Cosmic People of the Oracle. She became part of "The Family" and now firmly believes that Simon's dog is the reincarnated soul of an alien who landed on earth 150 years ago, and buried a spaceship in an Arizona desert that contains a potion for everlasting life. Ashley and her 25 family members share 3 old vans painted electric green and venture out to Sams Club in them once a month to purchase supplies. For money, The Cosmic People of the Oracle bottle and sell CBD oil as well as applesauce. Ashley is wife #7 to Simon, 54, who is balding with a man bun and once served as an extra on "Alf" in the 80's. When she is alone, Ashley works through her demons by painting. Her zodiac sign is Zorg, based on Simon's dog's galaxy's star chart.
This is Heather and she is a social justice warrior. Heather is happily engaged to Tom, who has agreed to take her last name when they marry in a civil ceremony officiated by her former womyn's studies professor in the backyard of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's childhood home. When expressing her world view (which she does often), Heather refers to herself as a "cisgender female" but is quick to add that there are 51 acknowledged gender options. She knitted her own vagina hat for the Women's March in an effort to be ironic. Heather attended UC Berkeley and now runs a nonprofit committed to establishing and funding safe space crying rooms in 15,000 colleges and universities in the US by 2025. She is currently not speaking to Emily from work because she wears hoop earrings and that is cultural appropriation.
This is Stacy and she is so very much fun. She's the lift of the party and queen of karaoke ((usually "I Want to Dance with Somebody"). She's the last one awake, the last one to leave and she always gets handsy at the end of a big night. But Stacy is extremely forgetful. She hasn't been to the dentist in 3 years because she had to leave a message canceling her last appointment, and never remembered to call back and reschedule. She once sent her daughter to school in her nightgown thinking in was PJ day, but she had forgotten that it was the following week. She'll need to help with the therapy bills in a few years. Ever self-unaware, however, Stacy refers to herself as OCD even though she's a total shit show. She always wants her kitchen counters cleared off, but she has 18 old, stale French fries strewn throughout her car. She organizes her linen closet once a year but she owes the library $150 in lost books. She irons the collars of her button down shirts but there is a yogurt container in the back of her fridge that holds a previously undiscovered mold species that may honestly be the cure for cancer. Stacy is trying, and she's adorable and fun so we'll smile and nod forever if she wants us to.
This is Diane, but she's quietly assuming you knew that. Diane's husband is a partner in the city's most prosperous law firm. Diane lives a sparkly life and wants you to know it. She makes a show of exasperation about the string of black and white tie events they attend but she secretly loves the glitz. She's a master of the humble-brag. The other day you overheard her telling someone she couldn't possibly have gotten through these past couple of months of renovating the pool house without her interior designer (she's glad the workers are making progress each day but do they have to be so LOUD???). Last night Diane accidentally farted in front of her husband for the first time in 13 years of marriage and he pretended not to hear it. Her favorite song is "Hold On" by Wilson Philips.
This is Jody. Jody has reached her mid-thirties where she blessedly has realized how stupid it is to drive drunk, so Jody pretty much only hangs out with people in her neighborhood now, because mama ain't giving up that Pinot Grigio with dinner, and after dinner, and a little before dinner... This means she spends most of her time with a bipolar publicist, an intellectual property lawyer who constantly one-ups everybody, and a CPA with a drinking problem. But they are always down so they're in. Jody ventures out to Italian at Napoli right outside of her neighborhood each Tuesday night with the girls where she caaaaan't get enough breadsticks - she's such a breadaholic but we all amiright???? Jody has a vague feeling that she hit on Barb's husband, Stan, from three doors down at the cookie exchange last December but she can't be sure. His face turns red every time she passes him walking the dog, and she has this fuzzy memory of telling him she'd like to take him in the laundry room and find out what a urologist REALLY does. Stan is over 6 feet tall and still has most of his hair, so... Jody's favorite song is "red, Red Wine" by UB40.
This is Griselda - a 3rd generation female drug cartel boss. She's been surrounded by opulence since birth. By age 19 she was a master equestrian, an amateur race car driver, a legendary sharpshooter, and an accomplished flirt. She's rumored to walk around at parties with a baby alligator on a diamond leash, surrounded by bodyguards. Her first husband, may he rest in peace, was murdered outside of a Colombian café by a rival cartel. Her second husband, may he rest in peace, was kidnapped by yet another cartel and eventually strangled. Her third husband, may he rest in peace, just disappeared one day and his body was found months later due to an anonymous tip. When her hit men carry out a hit, they walk calmly through the streets with a trio of musicians following behind to signal and serenade the coming carnage. She is a legend and will one day be imprisoned on charges of money laundering, but will only serve 5 years. There are many Colombian folk songs written about her, but her favorite band is still Menudo.
