This is Angie and her life’s work is to make you wish you were her. She CAN’T BELIEVE you haven’t been to the Maldives. You haven’t lived! She went with the guy she’s dating a few months ago and ended up on a yacht with Orlando Bloom where he totally hit on her - ugh he’s such a jerk for that. When you ordered a salad at lunch the other day she humble bragged that you are so good, and that she just has to get cheeseburgers and fries whenever she eats out. She wishes she had your self control (in truth she only eats salad at home). Angie never leaves the house without full makeup and a perfectly coordinated outfit. When applying makeup she smiles at herself after each step. Foundation, step back and smile. Blush - smile. Eye shadow- smile. Eyeliner - excited surprised face! You get the drift. She figures out the interests of her friends’ boyfriends and husbands, and then studies up on the highlights so she can act like she knows all about it when she hangs out with them. This is all totally transparent and you take solace from that time last year when she got drunk and admitted to you that she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and that her periods have become unmanageable.
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
