Meet Rachel. She’s trying very, very hard to be snarky but it’s falling flat. When you asked her how her day was going last week, she replied “better than yours” and then nudged your arm to indicate she’s kidding. Ooookay... At Christmas she sent out a long update letter with her card detailing family members, where her attempt at wit failed to hide her utter contempt for her husband. It was awkward for all readers. Rachel loves to post 1-2 sentence observations on social media as large white letters against various colorful backgrounds as if they may go viral at some point. These observations are usually about the idiocy of “people these days”, “most people” or begin with “you’d think people would learn by now”. Thank goodness for us she is among the few privileged enlightened so that we people can see the true lengths of our stupidity. This is all born from a severe self-consciousness of course. Headgear during the day until 9th grade, an unfortunate facial birth mark, and an endless string of misunderstood jokes. Rachel once farted loudly during a presentation in her public speaking class in college and still thinks about it monthly, 17 years later. Perhaps one day she’ll learn that you can only pull off snarky if you’re actually funny. But probably not. Her favorite song is still “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe.
This is the new Amy. This Amy would never have a gross refrigerator. She's not that kind of person. She's clean, organized and fresh. She feels sorry for the people with dirty fridge shelves and expired chicken stock boxes. She can't imagine having a 2 year old jar of pepperoncini peppers with mold on the inside of the lid. That's no way to live and Amy is glad she's the right kind of person. Yesterday Amy had two bags of clothes designated for Goodwill in her dining room corner. They'd been there for 2.5 months, eventually becoming invisible.
She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like – she “just doesn’t feel right about leaving the house“ if she’s not completely put together.