Meet Rachel. She’s trying very, very hard to be snarky but it’s falling flat. When you asked her how her day was going last week, she replied “better than yours” and then nudged your arm to indicate she’s kidding. Ooookay... At Christmas she sent out a long update letter with her card detailing family members, where her attempt at wit failed to hide her utter contempt for her husband. It was awkward for all readers. Rachel loves to post 1-2 sentence observations on social media as large white letters against various colorful backgrounds as if they may go viral at some point. These observations are usually about the idiocy of “people these days”, “most people” or begin with “you’d think people would learn by now”. Thank goodness for us she is among the few privileged enlightened so that we people can see the true lengths of our stupidity. This is all born from a severe self-consciousness of course. Headgear during the day until 9th grade, an unfortunate facial birth mark, and an endless string of misunderstood jokes. Rachel once farted loudly during a presentation in her public speaking class in college and still thinks about it monthly, 17 years later. Perhaps one day she’ll learn that you can only pull off snarky if you’re actually funny. But probably not. Her favorite song is still “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe.
Meet Elizabeth. She has a giant Goldendoodle, Charles, whose exuberance for life can be endearing for some, but downright dangerous for others. Upon greeting newcomers to her home, Charles immediately jumps up to lick their faces - sometimes springing up into the air and crashing into their nose.
She goes into the pool restroom barefoot. She worked a stint in the infant room at a daycare center and was completely unphased by the diaper changing and poop getting on her fingers. Bodily fluids do not bother Judes, regardless of whether they come from human or animal.
Now that she's in her thirties, and still single, she finds it a bit harder to endure her romantic ideals but she will not give up hope! Surely there is a gorgeous man out there who loves to talk about his feelings, monogamy, loves to buy little presents for no reason, would totally get her sense of humor,
