Meet Rachel. She’s trying very, very hard to be snarky but it’s falling flat. When you asked her how her day was going last week, she replied “better than yours” and then nudged your arm to indicate she’s kidding. Ooookay... At Christmas she sent out a long update letter with her card detailing family members, where her attempt at wit failed to hide her utter contempt for her husband. It was awkward for all readers. Rachel loves to post 1-2 sentence observations on social media as large white letters against various colorful backgrounds as if they may go viral at some point. These observations are usually about the idiocy of “people these days”, “most people” or begin with “you’d think people would learn by now”. Thank goodness for us she is among the few privileged enlightened so that we people can see the true lengths of our stupidity. This is all born from a severe self-consciousness of course. Headgear during the day until 9th grade, an unfortunate facial birth mark, and an endless string of misunderstood jokes. Rachel once farted loudly during a presentation in her public speaking class in college and still thinks about it monthly, 17 years later. Perhaps one day she’ll learn that you can only pull off snarky if you’re actually funny. But probably not. Her favorite song is still “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe.
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
