This is Jane Smith, currently in witness protection but formerly known as Elise L’Orange, the infamous high-end “Miami Madam”. Elise L’Orange was formerly known as Tammy White. Tammy lived in a small town in Tennessee. She left to attend The Art Institute in Miami because she always knew she was destined for a life in fashion. She was so good at putting together the sexiest outfits - cut off t-shirts and whale tails for dayzzzz. She befriended every gorgeous woman she could while at school to elevate her status. Through years of nightclub activity, Tammy met many seedy “businessmen” and eventually began making money connecting her friends with them. She became so successful at this she created a stage name more befitting the image she was cultivating - Elise L’Orange. She got size triple D implants, veneers, tattooed eyebrows and lip injections because that’s what success looks like. She also got a Yorkie to accessorize her look. Eventually Elise met Richard Perez, a diamond importer who had a Jaguar kitten in a gilded cage in his backyard - oooh a fancy animal lover! Richard knew that with Elise’s connections, she could help him to broker private diamond sales, off the grid. So they began a partnership that took Elise and her yorkie on multiple trips to Sierra Leone with Richard. This felt exotic and they began a passionate love affair, traveling in private planes, staying in the mansions of war lords, riding in bouncing jeeps through deep wilderness to attend clandestine meetings. Elise pretended not to know what was going on, but it was clear these diamonds were being purchased from men using the profits to fund horrific civil conflicts. These were blood diamonds. After two years, Elise was contacted by Homeland Security, and threatened with prison if she did not help them to ensnare Richard. Elise was torn but in the end agreed to wear recording devices and played a pivotal role in his conviction in exchange for amnesty. Elise became a target for many of his associates and was placed into witness protection as Jane Smith. She is now a cashier at a CVS in Little Rock and had to have her implants removed. She still puts together sexy outfits.
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
