Purse Profiles

Mimi

Meet Mimi. She’s an ex-pat currently living in France. She was a French major in college, which seemed like it would be a worthless degree until she met Jacques, a French poet in the US on a fellowship at Stanford. His sense of humor wasn’t the best but he was INTENSE and was the first man to ever make her...you know...in the bedroom. He implored her to move back home with him to Marseilles and she did. They lived together for a tumultuous month and a half (picture baguettes and handfuls of field flowers flung across the room in a rage) before she’d had enough and moved out, renting a garden apartment in the city center. She began waitressing and honed her French as well as her wine knowledge. That’s where she met Louis, one of the most notorious sommeliers in all of France. There were so many fantastic weekends in different French cities. SO. MUCH. WINE. It’s all a blur and during that time she did make her debut in a French independent film that required nudity and also animal masks but she was drunk most of those 8 months so the details really are hazy. As that fizzled out she met Henri, a wealthy financier who was 30 years her senior. Henri has a wonderful sense of humor, and all the passion of Jacques - even more connections than Louis, but he was developing liver spots and skin tags by now and had a horrid mole on his left ass cheek. But she could see past all that $omehow. He seemed to adore her and life with him was so ea$y. They married and lived in a lovely rambling estate in Provence. She indulged in rich food, rich wine, many friends, lots of books, and extensive European travel. He’s getting up there now, and she stands to inherit millions. Her favorite song is “If I Had a Million Dollars” by Barenaked Ladies...

Patricia

Meet Patricia. She’s the one with salsa dripping down her chin from the nachos she just made as her morning snack. The quarantine has really done a number on her self control. Yesterday she had 4 pieces of buttered toast for breakfast. Since she is homeschooling she did a morning snack for the kids, at which point she grabbed an apple for herself out of guilt about the toast. She got hungry again at 1:00 and ate the leftover pizza from the kids’ lunch - but just 2 pieces (that’s not so bad, right??). She was ravenous at 3:00 and all she could think about was the family size box of Cheezits in the pantry which they don’t normally have. She told herself she’d just have one handful and then had 3 because they are crack. For dinner, she was going to do grilled chicken or something but then her husband suggested they support their local Mexican restaurant (what kind of monster doesn’t support local restaurants at a time like this???) so she had cheese dip and enchiladas, takeout. Since she’s been sleeping in, she stayed up late watching a documentary that night, alone, and couldn’t resist the siren song of quick homemade nachos at 11 pm- 3 bags of chips in the pantry and tons of cheese and salsa in the fridge, plus fresh guacamole cannot be resisted. Then she went to bed full of self-loathing, noticing that her underwear felt tight. Tomorrow she’d do better but here she is, more nachos and it’s not even 11:00. Okay, she promises she’ll eat nothing but fruits and vegetables the rest of the day...

McKenzie

McKenzie. She lives in Georgia (not Savannah) and owns Barland Bags (a luxury sandbag line). McKenzie is on day 5 of quarantine and whoooooeeee she’s looking ROUGH! The lack of schedule has resulted in McKenzie going days at a time without ever really getting dressed. She also hasn’t washed her hair in 4 days and hasn’t worn makeup in 3. Don’t even ask about her bikini area or overall shaving maintenance. 🙅‍♀️ McKenzie’s husband, bless him, did the grocery shopping the last couple of trips and loaded up on chips, crackers, cheese, boxed mac and cheese, ground beef, tater tots and chicken fingers. So McKenzie is up at least 2 pounds and it’s not helping with her motivation to stay clean and dressed. McKenzie works from home, sewing her sandbags and since her kids are now home from school, she yells all day long, and wine thirty is getting earlier and earlier. She hasn’t even started homeschooling - that’s next week. She has laid out a daily schedule for the kids that includes virtual field trips, stem projects, daily walks outside, and a daily life skill. But in reality, they will do their 1.5 hours of worksheets, an hour of reading (which will be them screwing around in their rooms with the doors closed) and then mostly them being bored and telling her every 15 minutes. For the next 8 months of this motherf#*$! quarantine. McKenzie’s favorite song is Dirty Diana.

Liberty London Collection

Meet the Liberty London collection! This is Krissy, Ginny, Neilie, Emmy, and Claudia. They all live in the same neighborhood but they are handling the pandemic in their own ways. Krissy was overheard ridiculing everybody’s impulsive toilet paper purchasing at Target two days ago as she was pulling a 547-roll package of Charmin from the shelves. I mean, she’s only buying it because all these other idiots are going to make it so there’s none left! 🤷‍♀️ Ginny went straight to the wine aisle the second school closures were announced. She also convinced her PCP to call in an advance on her Xanax prescription. In two weeks’ time, she’ll be the primary pusher for all the moms in the neighborhood. This will solidify her high social status for the next 5 years. Neilie resents the idea of quarantine and immediately booked a beach vacation for the following week for she, her husband, and her kids. Nobody will be there and the rates are great. F*ck it. Emmy cannot stay off Facebook ever since things really hit the fan. She sees this as 100% political and has been faithfully pumping biased news articles into her feed hourly since Tuesday. She also loves shaming the rest of the country about having to be told to wash their hands, pointing out in every way possible how much SHE has always washed her hands. This handwashing ridicule is the new virtue signaling. Claudia declared a private state of emergency and locked herself and her family inside their home Purge-style. They have played 8 board games, gone through all the peanut butter crackers, watched 5 movies and their house smells like cheese for some reason. She’s about to call Ginny to see if she has any Xanax. (These are not remotely based on the real Krissy, Ginny, Neilie and Emmy. I don’t know any Claudia). Also, these clutches have all tested negative for Covid-19.

GARLAND BAGS LIBERTY COLLECTION

Christy

It’s Christy, y’all! She just finished Eat Pray Love and is seriously contemplating leaving Bill to explore third world countries. But in reality, she’ll plan a girls' trip to Gulf Shores and flirt with a medical device sales rep from Ohio who looks like a poor man’s Bill Paxton. And that will be enough excitement for her.

Andrea

This is Andrea, and no she’s not wearing that leather choker ironically. Also yes, she’s high. Andrea is such a free spirit. She’s always up for an adventure, constantly traveling, no desire to settle down. Andrea is stunningly beautiful and over the years has had a string of lovers including but not limited to a cannabis farmer, a Silicon Valley executive, a Shaman, three bass players, a cattle rancher, and a mall Santa. She’s always lightly tanned and has the kind of hair that doesn’t need to be blow-dried. But she doesn’t shave her armpits, which makes you feel a little superior (deservedly). Andrea does peyote three times a year in a teepee somewhere in the Mojave, and writes spoken word poetry about the “painted sunsets” there. She believes, more than a little, that octopi spring from alien DNA that arrived on a meteor millions of years ago, and that mushrooms are the doorway to the 5th dimension. Andrea’s favorite song is anything by Jefferson Starship (but she had to work really hard to acquire that taste). .

Marilyn

Meet Marilyn, and I AM saying she’s a gold digger... Marilyn loves, loves all the sports teams in her city in a way that far surpasses her interest in any of the actual sports. She can be found at the employee entrance of many a sports arena, flirting with Burt, Clarence or Jim in an effort to gain access to the players-only areas. She succeeds 40% of the time. She has perfected her look to be sexy as well as cute in sports Jersey tops - not an easy feat. This requires very long hair, heavy makeup and enormous boobs. She picked up a few waitressing gigs at some medical conventions in town, but her experience has shown that those doctors don’t call back. Marilyn has gone several rounds of penicillin over the years, which cured her of her clap but not her Juicy Couture track suit phase. She’s a sucker for an obnoxious sports car, and swoons over Axe Body Spray. She can’t wait to have a giant stucco mansion one day with TONS of columns and two tiny dogs dyed pink. Just like a real housewife. Her favorite song is Material Girl. .

Eileen

Meet Eileen. She’s just excited her pool is open. Eileen has always been a fixture at her neighborhood pool. This year she thought she might have to be pool-less for the summer but lo and behold the neighborhood association just announced the opening! White Claws, radio stations over the speakers, yelling at kids to stop running - she gets to have it all!!! 🙌 Somehow she knows all the lifeguards’ names within a week of the pool opening up. She also knows all the kids’ names that regularly come, but usually only half of their parents. Eileen has a visor to match every bathing suit, and has been known to clean out the pool herself with that net thingie when the lazy ass lifeguard wasn’t being helpful. She always has a romance novel in hand and has the decency to wait until 2:30 to crack open her first drink. She has a neighborhood crew that usually wanders in at some point during the day, and they one-by-one set up by Eileen, who has arrived an hour earlier to grab the best seats (with the umbrella that she likes to open after an hour and a half). She likes to yell at the lifeguards when they try to put hip hop on the radio (there are children around!) but sure loves that adult contemporary station. She is quite vocal about how the vending machines are stocked and once let her nipple slip out of her bathing suit when that new dentist from down the street was sitting nearby. Eileen’s favorite song is Cruel Summer. .

Alexis

This is Alexis and she’s about to graduate from college! Poor thing has missed the end of her senior year but she’s faithfully scrapbooked all four years of her experience so she’s been pouring through the photos, ticket stubs, wrist bands and sorority date night t-shirts, reliving it all. There was that date night when she had no dinner and too much Captain Morgan and Coke, and ended up puking all night in her date’s apartment . Or how about when the security guard caught her smoking on the roof of her sorority house and she mooned him? Hope she appreciates that this is probably the best her ass will ever look. There were spontaneous road trips that involved piano bars, all-nighters, game days that ran long into the night, women’s studies classes, giant auditorium classes, band parties. One band party she got up on stage and did the talking part of David Allan Coe’s drunken anthem You never Even Called Me by My Name (“Well a friend of mine named Steve Goodman...”). She received multiple proposals that night for her efforts. So raise a glass to the graduates of 2020. It’s not an ideal end, but they still have 22 year old asses and their whole lives ahead of them! Alexis’s favorite song is “I Had the Time of My Life”. What a wonderful graduation gift this would make! A little something to take out into the world that strikes a sophisticated, stylish tone for the next adult chapter in life! Love this Lee Jofa (Kelly Wearstler) print, and the shiny medallion on top! Tap the photo to shop it and a few of its cousins!

Poppy

Meet Poppy. She’s very prepared. By day she rolls her eyes at the hysteria surrounding the coronavirus. By night, she reads every article about it, imagining the worst-case scenarios. To avoid looking hysterical she started buying an extra 5 canned goods at her grocery outings back in mid-February. She got the second to last industrial-sized hand sanitizer at Sams. She’s washed her hands 20 times and it’s not even lunchtime. Her fingers are peeling. Poppy has enough toilet paper to prep for a colonoscopy every day for two months, and she bought additional ammo at Walmart today in case things get apocalyptic. Poppy looks so sweet and chipper but don’t try and raid her stash of Clorox wipes or you’ll find yourself on the business end of a Sig Sauer. Her favorite song is “Fever” by Peggy Lee.
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Lilly and Tilly

Meet Lilly and her sister Tilly. They are both obsessed with Lilly Pulitzer. In the morning they pour their coffee in their Lilly tumbler (monogrammed of course). Then they get dressed in a Lilly day dress or maybe a Lilly top with white jeans. Jack Rogers sandals, of course. Do they leave the house without makeup? Psht. Stop asking stupid questions. Lilly gets kind of irritated with Tilly because their children’s birthday parties have become a gladiatorial contest. Renting a petting zoo morphed into hiring a small circus troupe, and most recently Tilly paid gobs of money to have one of The Wiggles members come from Australia to perform live in their tented soirée on the beach. Guests were served ice cream from a vintage-style ice cream truck parked inside the giant tent, alongside 3 food trucks, and amid Ariel impersonators making dolphin balloon animal hats. For a child's 5th birthday. Lilly did a walk-through before the party started, lobbing passive-aggressive grenades such as “I guess we like to spend money in different ways” and “Good for you - I can’t stand hearing one more Wiggles song” or “plastic straws 100 feet from sea turtle nests? (raised eyebrows)”. Then Lilly’s final blow was to sleep with Anthony post-performance to see how he really wiggles. They compete but at the end of the day, these two are cut from the same cloth. They always look perfectly put together, and they are always in attendance at all the right events, but rest assured they aren’t perfect. Tilly screams into a pillow twice a day and Lilly has herpes.

Ashley

Let me introduce you to Ashley. She tries to be a good girl but she’s just so baaaaad. Yesterday she made a right-hand turn with NO BLINKER. 😱 She knows she should buy reusable grocery bags but yes, plastic will be fine. No matter how much she tries to focus, dirty thoughts always seem to creep in while she’s at church. 😬 Ashley laughed when that woman tripped and fell outside of Applebee’s last week. She doesn’t wash her recycle trash before putting it in the bin - for that matter, she uses plastic water bottles like crazy. Monster. She knows she should reciprocate having playdates over at her house, but ugh it’s just too much. She refuses to make eye contact with the homeless, and she doesn’t donate her change at the checkout counter. I guess she could be worse.

I know we’ve seen this clutch before but it’s such a hit I wanted to be sure y’all knew it was back in stock!

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