Purse Profiles

Mimi (Mom)

So today I’m posting another clutch named Mimi, based on my mom, Mimi. She has been a badass since the day I was born. She was getting her Masters when I arrived, and as legend has it, went back to school to take finals a week or two after having me (via c-section). On her way she fought off a bear and saved 5 orphans from a burning building. She worked her way up the corporate ladder at a major bank as I was growing up, accomplishing things that I really didn’t fully understand or appreciate until I was an adult. She refused me junk food for most of my childhood, which I hated then but am now putting my own children through. You want a snack? Here’s an orange! Time for dinner - here’s chicken and veggies again! Mom has always been the best pep-talker in the world - full of calm wisdom and perspective. Her motto is “never let them see you sweat” and nobody ever saw her sweat, that’s for sure. But for all her projected strength she is enormously nurturing and affectionate. She is the best grandmother ever - striking a perfect balance between doting and not letting them push her around. She is a phenomenal Shag dancer in the kitchen after dinner, loves music (even though she can’t really make any), is the biggest champion of those she loves, and is a solid rock for so very many people in her family and life. She is my hero and best friend. Her favorite song is anything written and sung by her husband. ❤️

Carson

Meet Carson. She’s a mom to a toddler and a brand new baby, but OH BABY you should have seen her 3 years ago! Carson, in spite of only being in her mid-thirties, was a hair metal band groupie. That always seemed more within reach than current bands. She was quite a sight in that front row, crop top showing bottom boob, long wild hair, devil horn hands thrust up in the air, making suggestive faces at Tommy Lee. Carson was always just coming off of a round of penicillin or Valtrex. She wasn’t bothered by Axl Rose’s paunch or puffy face. She thought Bon Jovi looked just as good with short hair. Her claim to fame was a pregnancy scare with Brett Michaels - that rose definitely had its thorn. Oh but Carson has hours and hours of stories. They would have been better if she were doing this in the 80’s with these guys, because now they were a little more sedentary, but there were still a few wild nights at Chateau Marmont and carnal weeks spent on tour buses. Mostly she found herself skinny dipping in pools at various W hotels or letting the bass player from Ratt feel her up by the ice machine at the Holiday Inn. Finally she ended up falling in love with a roadie from Def Leopard, Stan, and settling down in Orlando. Being a mom has changed her, but a part of her will always be “That slutty groupie, I think her name is Carla. Something like that.” And that’s something she can hang her hat on. Her favorite song is Cherry Pie. 🍒

Kailey

Meet Kailey. She’s an entrepreneur pioneering one of the newest, most unique and lucrative fields in recent memory. She is a one-woman show who managed to bring in over $200K in salary last year. Is she an influencer? Nope. Fashion designer? Nah. Dominatrix? Not anymore! Kailey opens toys on YouTube. She has one of those channels featuring just her hands and her affected, child-like voice where she opens toys and surprise eggs. In five years’ time, she has built one of the most popular channels of its kind, taking in gobs of subscription and advertiser money. When you watch her channel with your 3-year-old, you’re struck by her soft, adolescent, grating voice which seems to entrance your child and indicates an impossible sweetness embedded into her very soul. Off-camera, Kailey consistently cuts people off in traffic, shooting THEM the bird. She leaves her grocery cart in the parking spot instead of putting it back in the cart return. She litters and has a stash of 200 N95 masks that she wouldn’t dream of donating to the hospital. And what does she do with all of those toys she opens on her videos? She throws them in the trash, despite having a niece and nephew because really she can’t stand kids. She thinks charities are just glorified companies and she kicked a cat last week. Hard.

Manuel

Meet Manuel. JANA’S Manuel. Remember Jana from a couple of weeks ago? The last time we checked in on her, she was about to embark on a rather dark sunset cruise with her soon-to-be late husband, Brad. SIX MONTHS EARLIER: Manuel watched Jana saunter up to him at the golf club, dressed in a perfectly matching golf ensemble (purchased at the pro shop, no doubt). She was ready for her first private lesson with Manuel, the club’s new and highly reputed golf pro. He had recently moved from Newport Beach working as a pro there but nobody really knew much about his personal life. You see, Manuel is a predator of sorts. He's tall, dark and handsome looks, smooth charm and natural ease make him irresistible to society ladies. Jana was no exception. Manuel had heard about Brad’s various infidelities and knew that Jana would be ripe for the taking. Over the course of the next few months, he would groom her to see him as everything Brad was not. He would convince her that life with him could be magical in every way - except that financially they may be in a different situation than that to which she was accustomed. Oh if there were only some way for them to be together WITH Brad’s money... Naturally, Jana’s hatred for Brad, combined with her infatuation with Manuel, led her easily to the conclusion he’d been silently dangling in front of her. They eventually hatched a plan to stage an accident aboard Brad’s boat, after which Jana would collect Brad’s life insurance policy, and the two lovers would run off to Mexico (with the kids of course) and live a lavish life with private tutors, and acres on the ocean. Only what Jana doesn’t know is that Manuel might have another scheme once they get to Mexico. It does involve her money, but she won’t be in the picture for long. As he thinks through the steps of his sinister plan, he meets her eyes as his jon boat approaches her yacht, and he can make out the crumpled form of Brad on the deck at her feet. Let the games begin...

Jana

Meet Jana. She’s about to kill her husband. Not the way you and I are in this quarantine, but I mean an actual life insurance, fake-an-accident kind of way. So listen to this: Jana met Brad at a low country boil hosted by a mutual friend (an attorney who would eventually become “their” attorney). He was wearing a pastel-color button-down, casually rolled-up sleeves and top two buttons unbuttoned. Jana looked lovely and fresh in her sundress and young boobs. Brad was tanned, young, confident, and a total prick. But he was very nice to her, so his prickish behavior towards others almost felt powerful to Jana. He was and still is a property developer and was riding a wave of success that would eventually make him one of the wealthiest and most influential people in their city. They married in a huge, elaborate, society pages type of wedding but their fairytale marriage darkened quickly. Brad could not, would not stay faithful. He slowly began to become dismissive of her, ridiculing her observations and opinions, belittling her consistently, and ignoring her the rest of the time. Jana’s anger and resentment have built and built over the years, but two weeks ago she caught him sexting with the 25-year-old nanny and she snapped. This had to be the 15th affair, and that’s of the ones she knew about. His infidelity had become a very open secret among their extended circle. Humiliating. Knowing that a divorce would leave her in a bad financial position and blacklisted from most local society and that Brad would retain their top-notch attorney from that fated oyster roast long ago, Jana has decided that an “accident” is the best option. She has planned and fretted, cried, and seethed. And tomorrow night, they will take a sunset cruise on their power yacht, where she will serve him his favorite dry martini, containing a little something extra, after which he may slip and fall overboard...and leave her to start anew with Manuel (Manuel???!!)
Stay tuned... Eeek exciting! Will she do it?? Can she follow through?? Who is Manuel?? WHAT WILL SHE WEAR??!

Michelle

Meet Michelle. She’s a gorgeous health nut 🙄. She has goddess hair like those Mormon bloggers, and people actually DO ask her about her skincare routine and she provides them with some South Korean skin mask made from salmon roe and lemur placenta mixed with your own blood plasma. It costs $375 for 4 oz but you’re sitting here looking at her face and actually considering it. She does a juice cleanse every 3 months and meditates an hour each day. She’s laid back and soothing, and yes of course I totally hate her too. I mean, I know for a fact that she uses tinted moisturizer so don’t for a second let her try to tell you she doesn’t wear makeup. Also, it must be nice to go on 2-week health retreats in the Sonoran Desert. I just finished treatment for a fungal infection and you’ve had to be pulled aside by your kid’s basketball coach to remind you to set a good example for sportsmanlike conduct, and meanwhile, this bitch ordered size 0 yoga pants yesterday while painting a pastoral scene in her upstairs studio. 😡 *deep breath* Anyway like I was saying, she really is so sweet and OF COURSE, she is a yoga instructor, why even ask??!! Michelle’s favorite song is “Under Pressure”...

Mimi

Meet Mimi. She’s an ex-pat currently living in France. She was a French major in college, which seemed like it would be a worthless degree until she met Jacques, a French poet in the US on a fellowship at Stanford. His sense of humor wasn’t the best but he was INTENSE and was the first man to ever make her...you know...in the bedroom. He implored her to move back home with him to Marseilles and she did. They lived together for a tumultuous month and a half (picture baguettes and handfuls of field flowers flung across the room in a rage) before she’d had enough and moved out, renting a garden apartment in the city center. She began waitressing and honed her French as well as her wine knowledge. That’s where she met Louis, one of the most notorious sommeliers in all of France. There were so many fantastic weekends in different French cities. SO. MUCH. WINE. It’s all a blur and during that time she did make her debut in a French independent film that required nudity and also animal masks but she was drunk most of those 8 months so the details really are hazy. As that fizzled out she met Henri, a wealthy financier who was 30 years her senior. Henri has a wonderful sense of humor, and all the passion of Jacques - even more connections than Louis, but he was developing liver spots and skin tags by now and had a horrid mole on his left ass cheek. But she could see past all that $omehow. He seemed to adore her and life with him was so ea$y. They married and lived in a lovely rambling estate in Provence. She indulged in rich food, rich wine, many friends, lots of books, and extensive European travel. He’s getting up there now, and she stands to inherit millions. Her favorite song is “If I Had a Million Dollars” by Barenaked Ladies...

Patricia

Meet Patricia. She’s the one with salsa dripping down her chin from the nachos she just made as her morning snack. The quarantine has really done a number on her self control. Yesterday she had 4 pieces of buttered toast for breakfast. Since she is homeschooling she did a morning snack for the kids, at which point she grabbed an apple for herself out of guilt about the toast. She got hungry again at 1:00 and ate the leftover pizza from the kids’ lunch - but just 2 pieces (that’s not so bad, right??). She was ravenous at 3:00 and all she could think about was the family size box of Cheezits in the pantry which they don’t normally have. She told herself she’d just have one handful and then had 3 because they are crack. For dinner, she was going to do grilled chicken or something but then her husband suggested they support their local Mexican restaurant (what kind of monster doesn’t support local restaurants at a time like this???) so she had cheese dip and enchiladas, takeout. Since she’s been sleeping in, she stayed up late watching a documentary that night, alone, and couldn’t resist the siren song of quick homemade nachos at 11 pm- 3 bags of chips in the pantry and tons of cheese and salsa in the fridge, plus fresh guacamole cannot be resisted. Then she went to bed full of self-loathing, noticing that her underwear felt tight. Tomorrow she’d do better but here she is, more nachos and it’s not even 11:00. Okay, she promises she’ll eat nothing but fruits and vegetables the rest of the day...

McKenzie

McKenzie. She lives in Georgia (not Savannah) and owns Barland Bags (a luxury sandbag line). McKenzie is on day 5 of quarantine and whoooooeeee she’s looking ROUGH! The lack of schedule has resulted in McKenzie going days at a time without ever really getting dressed. She also hasn’t washed her hair in 4 days and hasn’t worn makeup in 3. Don’t even ask about her bikini area or overall shaving maintenance. 🙅‍♀️ McKenzie’s husband, bless him, did the grocery shopping the last couple of trips and loaded up on chips, crackers, cheese, boxed mac and cheese, ground beef, tater tots and chicken fingers. So McKenzie is up at least 2 pounds and it’s not helping with her motivation to stay clean and dressed. McKenzie works from home, sewing her sandbags and since her kids are now home from school, she yells all day long, and wine thirty is getting earlier and earlier. She hasn’t even started homeschooling - that’s next week. She has laid out a daily schedule for the kids that includes virtual field trips, stem projects, daily walks outside, and a daily life skill. But in reality, they will do their 1.5 hours of worksheets, an hour of reading (which will be them screwing around in their rooms with the doors closed) and then mostly them being bored and telling her every 15 minutes. For the next 8 months of this motherf#*$! quarantine. McKenzie’s favorite song is Dirty Diana.

Liberty London Collection

Meet the Liberty London collection! This is Krissy, Ginny, Neilie, Emmy, and Claudia. They all live in the same neighborhood but they are handling the pandemic in their own ways. Krissy was overheard ridiculing everybody’s impulsive toilet paper purchasing at Target two days ago as she was pulling a 547-roll package of Charmin from the shelves. I mean, she’s only buying it because all these other idiots are going to make it so there’s none left! 🤷‍♀️ Ginny went straight to the wine aisle the second school closures were announced. She also convinced her PCP to call in an advance on her Xanax prescription. In two weeks’ time, she’ll be the primary pusher for all the moms in the neighborhood. This will solidify her high social status for the next 5 years. Neilie resents the idea of quarantine and immediately booked a beach vacation for the following week for she, her husband, and her kids. Nobody will be there and the rates are great. F*ck it. Emmy cannot stay off Facebook ever since things really hit the fan. She sees this as 100% political and has been faithfully pumping biased news articles into her feed hourly since Tuesday. She also loves shaming the rest of the country about having to be told to wash their hands, pointing out in every way possible how much SHE has always washed her hands. This handwashing ridicule is the new virtue signaling. Claudia declared a private state of emergency and locked herself and her family inside their home Purge-style. They have played 8 board games, gone through all the peanut butter crackers, watched 5 movies and their house smells like cheese for some reason. She’s about to call Ginny to see if she has any Xanax. (These are not remotely based on the real Krissy, Ginny, Neilie and Emmy. I don’t know any Claudia). Also, these clutches have all tested negative for Covid-19.

GARLAND BAGS LIBERTY COLLECTION

Christy

It’s Christy, y’all! She just finished Eat Pray Love and is seriously contemplating leaving Bill to explore third world countries. But in reality, she’ll plan a girls' trip to Gulf Shores and flirt with a medical device sales rep from Ohio who looks like a poor man’s Bill Paxton. And that will be enough excitement for her.

Andrea

This is Andrea, and no she’s not wearing that leather choker ironically. Also yes, she’s high. Andrea is such a free spirit. She’s always up for an adventure, constantly traveling, no desire to settle down. Andrea is stunningly beautiful and over the years has had a string of lovers including but not limited to a cannabis farmer, a Silicon Valley executive, a Shaman, three bass players, a cattle rancher, and a mall Santa. She’s always lightly tanned and has the kind of hair that doesn’t need to be blow-dried. But she doesn’t shave her armpits, which makes you feel a little superior (deservedly). Andrea does peyote three times a year in a teepee somewhere in the Mojave, and writes spoken word poetry about the “painted sunsets” there. She believes, more than a little, that octopi spring from alien DNA that arrived on a meteor millions of years ago, and that mushrooms are the doorway to the 5th dimension. Andrea’s favorite song is anything by Jefferson Starship (but she had to work really hard to acquire that taste). .

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