Let me introduce you to Ashley. She tries to be a good girl but she’s just so baaaaad. Yesterday she made a right-hand turn with NO BLINKER. 😱 She knows she should buy reusable grocery bags but yes, plastic will be fine. No matter how much she tries to focus, dirty thoughts always seem to creep in while she’s at church. 😬 Ashley laughed when that woman tripped and fell outside of Applebee’s last week. She doesn’t wash her recycle trash before putting it in the bin - for that matter, she uses plastic water bottles like crazy. Monster. She knows she should reciprocate having playdates over at her house, but ugh it’s just too much. She refuses to make eye contact with the homeless, and she doesn’t donate her change at the checkout counter. I guess she could be worse.
I know we’ve seen this clutch before but it’s such a hit I wanted to be sure y’all knew it was back in stock!
Meet Jade. She’s a stay at home mom who’s getting her certification to be a yoga instructor - and you’re going to hear all about it. Jade rocks those spandex pants around town looking like a 12 year old boy from the waist down. She has a never ending supply of Lulu sports bras with all manner of straps on the backs. She’s always drinking some kind of green juice and won’t shut up about gut health. Jade breastfed her kids until they were 5, and her claim to fame is that yes, she tried out that Goop jade egg. 😏 Although she struts her new age health, she buries herself in the pantry 3 nights a week with a pint of ice cream and eats the whole thing. Ice cream all over her face and in her hair. Of course her favorite song is Ice Ice Baby. -
Ansley. She’s an aspiring author, but to tell you the truth, her writing is a little...basic. She’s toying with modern romances but she keeps returning to words like ‘heaving’, ‘throbbing’ and ‘pulsing’. Since she was a teen, Ansley has tried to smell fear but has found it to be odorless. She stares intensely into people’s eyes trying to detect anything other than what they’re conveying - fear? Love? Mischief? Are their eyes sparkling or did they just sneeze? What are all these books actually talking about??? Last month she ran into a friend at a party who had been watching her from across the room for an hour, trying to get her attention. The hairs on the back of her neck hadn’t even stood up!!! 🙄 She is convinced that her senses are failing her - how is she ever to become the next J.K. Rowling or E.L. James random first-time-author genius at this rate? Never mind her pen name would have to be A.F. McGilicutty and that doesn’t have the same ring to it. A.F. McGilicutty is not a name that springs forth an international panty-dropping bestseller about a teenage girl wrapped up in a love triangle between a zombie and a talking polar bear. HAWT! Nor does it sound right for a novel about a ball-busting female attorney who encounters a brash construction worker outside of her office and develops a contentious, and eventually heartwarming romance with him. What an unlikely duo!! She really loves how he doesn’t put up with her crap - how refreshing! Maybe she should think about a book series revolving around a detective that turns into a unicorn by the light of the moon and falls in love with a deer that has cancer... -
Meet Pascal. She’s a young free spirit and has just spent 10 minutes regaling you with tales of her recent 3 month trip to Marrakech. Easy to be a young free spirit when you’re the youngest child of one of Atlanta’s top investment advisors. She attended the most expensive and prestigious private school in Atlanta and was in the snootiest sorority at UGA, but through it all she insisted on looking like she may or may not have just rolled out of bed. Or rolled a joint.
Natalie retired from a brief stint as a Playboy Bunny five years ago when she met Alan "Sleeper" Stanton while serving him a cocktail. Alan was recognizable from his local commercials as the "Mattress King of Poughkeepsie" despite his total lack of charisma, or even vocal inflection, in all his years starring in his own commercials. Natalie sauntered up to his table in those iconic ears, cuffs and tail, took one look at his shiny complexion and unfortunate eyebrow mole, and knew this was the one. Sure she got a whiff of gum disease as he regaled her, in a sultry monotone voice, with a behind-the-scenes look at the sexy world of wholesale mattresses, but he owned TEN mattress stores! He drove a Cadillac SUV for crying out loud! They went out to dinner the very next night - there was truffle oil on the breadsticks (!!) - and then he took her back to his place. Travertine as far as the eye could see! An indoor fountain in the foyer! Stainless steel appliances throughout, for crying out loud! Natalie knew this was her ticket to the next level. She bid farewell to her fellow bunnies just 3 short months later, and married Alan in a quaint ceremony with 600 of their closest friends and family. There were swans, ornate thrones at the head table for the bride and groom, and even a six string quartet for crying out loud! It was a celebration fit for a queen...Mattress Queen of Poughkeepsie, that is. If you recognize Natalie, it's probably from the new commercials...
Meet Dorian. Dorian is the biggest asshole you know. In early September he sailed up the east coast from south Florida to the Outer Banks and she's talked about it nonstop for weeks. It was all "teak" this and "starboard" that. Douchebag. Dorian is that guy that says he's coming to stay, so you stock up. But then he takes FOREVER to get there - one minute he's coming, next minute he's decided to stay over in the Bahamas for obnoxiously long (they hate him there). By the time he does get to your house, you're hammered and you've had 5x the carbs you intended (he's a fat shit so you got all junk food). He completely trashed your house, is full of bluster and hot air, and wet the bed. You have missed 3 days of work, have a terrible headache and have to spend two days cleaning up after him. Last I heard he was heading out to the Atlantic for God knows where. What a douchebag.
This is Celia. She's the queen of Dublin, GA. I know she has mastered the refined Southern lady vibe but friend, Celia has a bonfire ready to flare up at a moment's notice. She plays tennis but always pre-games with mimosas, and once told Patricia on Team B that she wishes she WOULD serve that first serve at her face and she'll knock her so hard she'll think the ground flew up and hit her. She monograms everything with a matching shade of celadon to create a calming mood in her home, but if her husband pisses her off and walks out of the room, she shoots him a bird so aggressively that her middle finger leads her across the room as if on autopilot. Celia is a really good time on the porch after dinner but after her best 3 stories she gets windy as a sack full of farts. She's delightful in most ways, just don't cross her. She ahs been a season ticket holder to Georgia games for 35 years. GO DAWGS!
Meet Ashley. She's in a cult. Ashley grew up in a pretty typical family in the suburbs of Tempe, but her mother's controlling ways drove her to the arms of Simone Smith, founder of Cosmic People of the Oracle. She became part of "The Family" and now firmly believes that Simon's dog is the reincarnated soul of an alien who landed on earth 150 years ago, and buried a spaceship in an Arizona desert that contains a potion for everlasting life. Ashley and her 25 family members share 3 old vans painted electric green and venture out to Sams Club in them once a month to purchase supplies. For money, The Cosmic People of the Oracle bottle and sell CBD oil as well as applesauce. Ashley is wife #7 to Simon, 54, who is balding with a man bun and once served as an extra on "Alf" in the 80's. When she is alone, Ashley works through her demons by painting. Her zodiac sign is Zorg, based on Simon's dog's galaxy's star chart.
This is Heather and she is a social justice warrior. Heather is happily engaged to Tom, who has agreed to take her last name when they marry in a civil ceremony officiated by her former womyn's studies professor in the backyard of Ruth Bader Ginsburg's childhood home. When expressing her world view (which she does often), Heather refers to herself as a "cisgender female" but is quick to add that there are 51 acknowledged gender options. She knitted her own vagina hat for the Women's March in an effort to be ironic. Heather attended UC Berkeley and now runs a nonprofit committed to establishing and funding safe space crying rooms in 15,000 colleges and universities in the US by 2025. She is currently not speaking to Emily from work because she wears hoop earrings and that is cultural appropriation.
This is Stacy and she is so very much fun. She's the lift of the party and queen of karaoke ((usually "I Want to Dance with Somebody"). She's the last one awake, the last one to leave and she always gets handsy at the end of a big night. But Stacy is extremely forgetful. She hasn't been to the dentist in 3 years because she had to leave a message canceling her last appointment, and never remembered to call back and reschedule. She once sent her daughter to school in her nightgown thinking in was PJ day, but she had forgotten that it was the following week. She'll need to help with the therapy bills in a few years. Ever self-unaware, however, Stacy refers to herself as OCD even though she's a total shit show. She always wants her kitchen counters cleared off, but she has 18 old, stale French fries strewn throughout her car. She organizes her linen closet once a year but she owes the library $150 in lost books. She irons the collars of her button down shirts but there is a yogurt container in the back of her fridge that holds a previously undiscovered mold species that may honestly be the cure for cancer. Stacy is trying, and she's adorable and fun so we'll smile and nod forever if she wants us to.
This is Diane, but she's quietly assuming you knew that. Diane's husband is a partner in the city's most prosperous law firm. Diane lives a sparkly life and wants you to know it. She makes a show of exasperation about the string of black and white tie events they attend but she secretly loves the glitz. She's a master of the humble-brag. The other day you overheard her telling someone she couldn't possibly have gotten through these past couple of months of renovating the pool house without her interior designer (she's glad the workers are making progress each day but do they have to be so LOUD???). Last night Diane accidentally farted in front of her husband for the first time in 13 years of marriage and he pretended not to hear it. Her favorite song is "Hold On" by Wilson Philips.
This is Jody. Jody has reached her mid-thirties where she blessedly has realized how stupid it is to drive drunk, so Jody pretty much only hangs out with people in her neighborhood now, because mama ain't giving up that Pinot Grigio with dinner, and after dinner, and a little before dinner... This means she spends most of her time with a bipolar publicist, an intellectual property lawyer who constantly one-ups everybody, and a CPA with a drinking problem. But they are always down so they're in. Jody ventures out to Italian at Napoli right outside of her neighborhood each Tuesday night with the girls where she caaaaan't get enough breadsticks - she's such a breadaholic but we all amiright???? Jody has a vague feeling that she hit on Barb's husband, Stan, from three doors down at the cookie exchange last December but she can't be sure. His face turns red every time she passes him walking the dog, and she has this fuzzy memory of telling him she'd like to take him in the laundry room and find out what a urologist REALLY does. Stan is over 6 feet tall and still has most of his hair, so... Jody's favorite song is "red, Red Wine" by UB40.
