She went to the grocery store this morning and therefore has had on workout clothes all day. She also had a little vodka in that Yeti cup earlier today...
She trumpets all the volunteer work she does for Sea Turtle rescue groups but she goes through 3 plastic water bottles every day. And wears a puka shell anklet
Mary is the one scanning the party for someone better to talk to. She won’t be interested in talking to you unless you start saying mean things about other people.
Marianne - she is secretly constantly questioning her relationship so she makes this HUGE show on social media to display their “perfect” marriage. But she cannot compete with Teggy, who is the hot piece currently being discussed by that group of husbands over on the other side of the yard.
So today I’m posting another clutch named Mimi, based on my mom, Mimi. She has been a badass since the day I was born. She was getting her Masters when I arrived, and as legend has it, went back to school to take finals a week or two after having me (via c-section). On her way she fought off a bear and saved 5 orphans from a burning building. She worked her way up the corporate ladder at a major bank as I was growing up, accomplishing things that I really didn’t fully understand or appreciate until I was an adult. She refused me junk food for most of my childhood, which I hated then but am now putting my own children through. You want a snack? Here’s an orange! Time for dinner - here’s chicken and veggies again! Mom has always been the best pep-talker in the world - full of calm wisdom and perspective. Her motto is “never let them see you sweat” and nobody ever saw her sweat, that’s for sure. But for all her projected strength she is enormously nurturing and affectionate. She is the best grandmother ever - striking a perfect balance between doting and not letting them push her around. She is a phenomenal Shag dancer in the kitchen after dinner, loves music (even though she can’t really make any), is the biggest champion of those she loves, and is a solid rock for so very many people in her family and life. She is my hero and best friend. Her favorite song is anything written and sung by her husband. ❤️
Meet Carson. She’s a mom to a toddler and a brand new baby, but OH BABY you should have seen her 3 years ago! Carson, in spite of only being in her mid-thirties, was a hair metal band groupie. That always seemed more within reach than current bands. She was quite a sight in that front row, crop top showing bottom boob, long wild hair, devil horn hands thrust up in the air, making suggestive faces at Tommy Lee. Carson was always just coming off of a round of penicillin or Valtrex. She wasn’t bothered by Axl Rose’s paunch or puffy face. She thought Bon Jovi looked just as good with short hair. Her claim to fame was a pregnancy scare with Brett Michaels - that rose definitely had its thorn. Oh but Carson has hours and hours of stories. They would have been better if she were doing this in the 80’s with these guys, because now they were a little more sedentary, but there were still a few wild nights at Chateau Marmont and carnal weeks spent on tour buses. Mostly she found herself skinny dipping in pools at various W hotels or letting the bass player from Ratt feel her up by the ice machine at the Holiday Inn. Finally she ended up falling in love with a roadie from Def Leopard, Stan, and settling down in Orlando. Being a mom has changed her, but a part of her will always be “That slutty groupie, I think her name is Carla. Something like that.” And that’s something she can hang her hat on. Her favorite song is Cherry Pie. 🍒
Meet Kailey. She’s an entrepreneur pioneering one of the newest, most unique and lucrative fields in recent memory. She is a one-woman show who managed to bring in over $200K in salary last year. Is she an influencer? Nope. Fashion designer? Nah. Dominatrix? Not anymore! Kailey opens toys on YouTube. She has one of those channels featuring just her hands and her affected, child-like voice where she opens toys and surprise eggs. In five years’ time, she has built one of the most popular channels of its kind, taking in gobs of subscription and advertiser money. When you watch her channel with your 3-year-old, you’re struck by her soft, adolescent, grating voice which seems to entrance your child and indicates an impossible sweetness embedded into her very soul. Off-camera, Kailey consistently cuts people off in traffic, shooting THEM the bird. She leaves her grocery cart in the parking spot instead of putting it back in the cart return. She litters and has a stash of 200 N95 masks that she wouldn’t dream of donating to the hospital. And what does she do with all of those toys she opens on her videos? She throws them in the trash, despite having a niece and nephew because really she can’t stand kids. She thinks charities are just glorified companies and she kicked a cat last week. Hard.
Meet Manuel. JANA’S Manuel. Remember Jana from a couple of weeks ago? The last time we checked in on her, she was about to embark on a rather dark sunset cruise with her soon-to-be late husband, Brad. SIX MONTHS EARLIER: Manuel watched Jana saunter up to him at the golf club, dressed in a perfectly matching golf ensemble (purchased at the pro shop, no doubt). She was ready for her first private lesson with Manuel, the club’s new and highly reputed golf pro. He had recently moved from Newport Beach working as a pro there but nobody really knew much about his personal life. You see, Manuel is a predator of sorts. He's tall, dark and handsome looks, smooth charm and natural ease make him irresistible to society ladies. Jana was no exception. Manuel had heard about Brad’s various infidelities and knew that Jana would be ripe for the taking. Over the course of the next few months, he would groom her to see him as everything Brad was not. He would convince her that life with him could be magical in every way - except that financially they may be in a different situation than that to which she was accustomed. Oh if there were only some way for them to be together WITH Brad’s money... Naturally, Jana’s hatred for Brad, combined with her infatuation with Manuel, led her easily to the conclusion he’d been silently dangling in front of her. They eventually hatched a plan to stage an accident aboard Brad’s boat, after which Jana would collect Brad’s life insurance policy, and the two lovers would run off to Mexico (with the kids of course) and live a lavish life with private tutors, and acres on the ocean. Only what Jana doesn’t know is that Manuel might have another scheme once they get to Mexico. It does involve her money, but she won’t be in the picture for long. As he thinks through the steps of his sinister plan, he meets her eyes as his jon boat approaches her yacht, and he can make out the crumpled form of Brad on the deck at her feet. Let the games begin...
Meet Jana. She’s about to kill her husband. Not the way you and I are in this quarantine, but I mean an actual life insurance, fake-an-accident kind of way. So listen to this: Jana met Brad at a low country boil hosted by a mutual friend (an attorney who would eventually become “their” attorney). He was wearing a pastel-color button-down, casually rolled-up sleeves and top two buttons unbuttoned. Jana looked lovely and fresh in her sundress and young boobs. Brad was tanned, young, confident, and a total prick. But he was very nice to her, so his prickish behavior towards others almost felt powerful to Jana. He was and still is a property developer and was riding a wave of success that would eventually make him one of the wealthiest and most influential people in their city. They married in a huge, elaborate, society pages type of wedding but their fairytale marriage darkened quickly. Brad could not, would not stay faithful. He slowly began to become dismissive of her, ridiculing her observations and opinions, belittling her consistently, and ignoring her the rest of the time. Jana’s anger and resentment have built and built over the years, but two weeks ago she caught him sexting with the 25-year-old nanny and she snapped. This had to be the 15th affair, and that’s of the ones she knew about. His infidelity had become a very open secret among their extended circle. Humiliating. Knowing that a divorce would leave her in a bad financial position and blacklisted from most local society and that Brad would retain their top-notch attorney from that fated oyster roast long ago, Jana has decided that an “accident” is the best option. She has planned and fretted, cried, and seethed. And tomorrow night, they will take a sunset cruise on their power yacht, where she will serve him his favorite dry martini, containing a little something extra, after which he may slip and fall overboard...and leave her to start anew with Manuel (Manuel???!!) Stay tuned... Eeek exciting! Will she do it?? Can she follow through?? Who is Manuel?? WHAT WILL SHE WEAR??!
Meet Michelle. She’s a gorgeous health nut 🙄. She has goddess hair like those Mormon bloggers, and people actually DO ask her about her skincare routine and she provides them with some South Korean skin mask made from salmon roe and lemur placenta mixed with your own blood plasma. It costs $375 for 4 oz but you’re sitting here looking at her face and actually considering it. She does a juice cleanse every 3 months and meditates an hour each day. She’s laid back and soothing, and yes of course I totally hate her too. I mean, I know for a fact that she uses tinted moisturizer so don’t for a second let her try to tell you she doesn’t wear makeup. Also, it must be nice to go on 2-week health retreats in the Sonoran Desert. I just finished treatment for a fungal infection and you’ve had to be pulled aside by your kid’s basketball coach to remind you to set a good example for sportsmanlike conduct, and meanwhile, this bitch ordered size 0 yoga pants yesterday while painting a pastoral scene in her upstairs studio. 😡 *deep breath* Anyway like I was saying, she really is so sweet and OF COURSE, she is a yoga instructor, why even ask??!! Michelle’s favorite song is “Under Pressure”...
