he visited Palm Beach for the first time this past summer and now she has transformed herself into a Slim Aarons subject. She is not the beneficiary of multi-generational wealth so this has been a tricky process. She convinced her husband to cash out on their equity line to put in a pool in the backyard. Unfortunately it’s really just a little wading pool so use your imagination. She purchased a pair of white-rimmed Chanel sunglasses on eBay and has started using giant rollers in her hair at night to achieve the perfect hair flip. Her next paycheck is going towards turbans and caftans and she’s begun a nightly cigarette and 3-martini routine. She’s fashioned a poolside cabana out of the cover that came with her Ballard outdoor patio furniture from 7 years ago and she keeps making her friends sit with her by the pool when they come to visit. Even though it’s freezing outside and they stubbornly insist on wearing their ugly jackets. And they are being so judgy about the smoking! All that’s left to do is get a dog, lose 20 pounds and plant some palm trees. Those do fine in Massachusetts as long as they’re in full sun, right??
This is Jane Smith, currently in witness protection but formerly known as Elise L’Orange, the infamous high-end “Miami Madam”. Elise L’Orange was formerly known as Tammy White. Tammy lived in a small town in Tennessee. She left to attend The Art Institute in Miami because she always knew she was destined for a life in fashion. She was so good at putting together the sexiest outfits - cut off t-shirts and whale tails for dayzzzz. She befriended every gorgeous woman she could while at school to elevate her status. Through years of nightclub activity, Tammy met many seedy “businessmen” and eventually began making money connecting her friends with them. She became so successful at this she created a stage name more befitting the image she was cultivating - Elise L’Orange. She got size triple D implants, veneers, tattooed eyebrows and lip injections because that’s what success looks like. She also got a Yorkie to accessorize her look. Eventually Elise met Richard Perez, a diamond importer who had a Jaguar kitten in a gilded cage in his backyard - oooh a fancy animal lover! Richard knew that with Elise’s connections, she could help him to broker private diamond sales, off the grid. So they began a partnership that took Elise and her yorkie on multiple trips to Sierra Leone with Richard. This felt exotic and they began a passionate love affair, traveling in private planes, staying in the mansions of war lords, riding in bouncing jeeps through deep wilderness to attend clandestine meetings. Elise pretended not to know what was going on, but it was clear these diamonds were being purchased from men using the profits to fund horrific civil conflicts. These were blood diamonds. After two years, Elise was contacted by Homeland Security, and threatened with prison if she did not help them to ensnare Richard. Elise was torn but in the end agreed to wear recording devices and played a pivotal role in his conviction in exchange for amnesty. Elise became a target for many of his associates and was placed into witness protection as Jane Smith. She is now a cashier at a CVS in Little Rock and had to have her implants removed. She still puts together sexy outfits.
This is Angie and her life’s work is to make you wish you were her. She CAN’T BELIEVE you haven’t been to the Maldives. You haven’t lived! She went with the guy she’s dating a few months ago and ended up on a yacht with Orlando Bloom where he totally hit on her - ugh he’s such a jerk for that. When you ordered a salad at lunch the other day she humble bragged that you are so good, and that she just has to get cheeseburgers and fries whenever she eats out. She wishes she had your self control (in truth she only eats salad at home). Angie never leaves the house without full makeup and a perfectly coordinated outfit. When applying makeup she smiles at herself after each step. Foundation, step back and smile. Blush - smile. Eye shadow- smile. Eyeliner - excited surprised face! You get the drift. She figures out the interests of her friends’ boyfriends and husbands, and then studies up on the highlights so she can act like she knows all about it when she hangs out with them. This is all totally transparent and you take solace from that time last year when she got drunk and admitted to you that she has Irritable Bowel Syndrome and that her periods have become unmanageable.
This is Victoria and yes, she’s a thespian. Victoria has performed in 4 productions at the Community Theater of Cleveland, and was once the understudy for “Street Urchin #3” in a traveling production of Les Miserables. Victoria is so method she spent a week living on the sidewalk outside of her apartment to prepare for the role, but unfortunately the actress awarded the part was able to fulfill her duties for the entirety of the show’s run. Everything with Victoria is drama - she loves wearing velvets, she keeps Depeche Mode on repeat in her car, she’s been madly in love with Johnny Depp for 100 years. And yes, still wearing that black choker. Victoria is not a party girl. She’s too busy contemplating the deeper meaning of life and the emotional undertones of the common aspects of the human condition. She believes this helps her to strengthen her acting muscles, plus it’s easy to do while she’s manning the help desk at Dave and Busters (yes they’re still around). Her favorite fashion statement is and has always been dark florals with combat boots and velvet. She prefers her hair black as night, and wears a fake nose ring. Sometimes on weekends when her roommate isn’t home she drinks 6 White Claws, puts on Lily Pulitzer and listens to Barbie Girl while she cries into the mirror.
Hey y’all, this is Eleanore. Look out she’s coming in for a hug! Eleanore is a hugger...big time. This is not a bad thing, of course, but she’s one of those people who doesn’t just do a quick hug. She stretches it out, rocking back and forth, and sometimes even starts rubbing your back. And you try to let go but she won’t let go so it just continues. She also doesn’t make any great effort to keep the hug upper body only, so sometimes you have this awkward, below-the-belt contact thrown in the mix. Then when she finally releases you, she holds you out at arm’s length by your shoulders and makes intense, friendly eye contact. And calls you “sweet girl” or “gorgeous”. I mean, it’s all very sweet and innocuous but it really takes a solid fortitude and constitution to endure this without getting flustered. Or, if you’ve known her forever - which most people have - then you’ve come to appreciate it. For her friends and family, Eleanore is like coming home. She might come up behind you for an embracing assault while you’re mid-conversation with someone at a party. She might come at you for a sudden squeeze at the grocery store if you look sad. You might as well give into the bereavement bear hug if you’re at a funeral - you don’t stand a chance. Anyway, get used to Eleanore. She’s a warm light in an often cold world. Her favorite song is Don’t Stand So Close to Me, ironically.
Hi I’m Amy, and people say I’m a grump just because I’m not perky and basic like everybody else in this town. Excuse me if I hate having a fire in the fireplace because I don’t like paying a higher gas bill. Christmas is stressful and annoying. I think Ryan Gosling is overrated and I’m not buying Keanu Reeves’s good guy act. I swear if I have to listen to one more Whitney Houston song...I wish those children would stop giggling, I can’t hear myself think. Ice cream gives me gas. I wish that golden retriever would leave me alone, he stinks. Yeah the Caribbean is nice if you like skin cancer. Every time I go to the beach I just get sand in my privates. Romantic comedies are neither romantic nor funny. Sex takes too long. Geez does that sunshine have to be so bright??? Yes I see that hot guy checking me out but I’m sure he has mommy issues like the rest of them. Newborns have weird skin. Calm down it’s just a rainbow. Calm down it’s just a lunar eclipse. Calm down it’s just horses. No we can’t stop to pee you have to hold it.
She went to the grocery store this morning and therefore has had on workout clothes all day. She also had a little vodka in that Yeti cup earlier today...
She trumpets all the volunteer work she does for Sea Turtle rescue groups but she goes through 3 plastic water bottles every day. And wears a puka shell anklet
Mary is the one scanning the party for someone better to talk to. She won’t be interested in talking to you unless you start saying mean things about other people.
Marianne - she is secretly constantly questioning her relationship so she makes this HUGE show on social media to display their “perfect” marriage. But she cannot compete with Teggy, who is the hot piece currently being discussed by that group of husbands over on the other side of the yard.
