Purse Profiles

Shareen

This is Shareen. Shareen is what you might call a “type A” personality. I will say that she looks polished and put together ALL the time. Because she is. Her daily schedule is planned down to the minute and she plans out her outfits at the beginning of each week. Shareen has the same breakfast each morning - a green smoothie and a hard boiled egg. She takes her coffee with exactly 1 tablespoon of cream and 1 sugar cube. She has a bowel movement at 7:43 each morning, followed by a thorough shower, of course. She insists that she could never skip washing her hair because it would be “a total grease pit!” but the reality is that she’s never even tried. Shareen is always cold, goes to bed by 9:30 each night, gets up an hour earlier than necessary to get a good start on her day, and cannot remember the last time she let her gas tank get below a quarter of a tank. Greasy food makes her feel “icky” and she has claimed to have an allergy to red dye 40. Once when she and her husband were getting frisky, he got carried away with the role play and swept everything off the table onto the floor. She tried to go along with it but she ended up pushing him off her and yelling “we do not live like animals, dammit!” before furiously cleaning up the mess. Shareen really wants to lighten up and even started allowing herself one glass of wine in social settings (once she had two and ended up admitting to an acquaintance that she has sexual fantasies about her UPS man). I will not say Shareen is going to give you a wild night, but she will help you get your shit together.

Amber

This is Amber, your kids' hot nanny. She's been nannying for y'all for around 8 months. She's 23, drop-dead gorgeous, size 2 and full of energy. You interviewed several candidates, all of whom were great, but your husband, Dan, really made a strong case for Amber, and you guess his points were pretty valid? Since she's started it's been really great seeing how hands-on Dan has been in making Amber feel like a welcome part of the family. Normally he's really insular and quiet but Dan has been eager to give Amber rides to and from home (even though her car works perfectly fine), shown her how to make a new mac and cheese recipe (he cooks??), shoulder massages, and even seems to be checking on her here and there throughout the day on his phone! Wow, how knew Dan could be so accommodating??!! You sure are a lucky lady. Amber has been lovely, but you have to admit that her presence has caused a little self-consciousness on your part. You have been on a diet for...oh look at that...8 months. You've started using whitening strips on your teeth and have spent $2,000 on Botox. Further complicating things is that your 9 year old son has mentioned how much he likes Amber's short shorts and is asking lots of awkward questions, and you think you're going to have to have "the talk" with him. Your daughter keeps asking you if you think Amber would like her outfit, or what you think Amber would say to the boy at school. But no, Amber's GREAT! Everything is fine! Oh look, Dan is taking Aber home again tonight...

Temperance

I want to introduce you to Temperance Longfield. Temperance lives with her husband, Hampton Longfield IV, in a sprawling cedar-shingled waterfront manor in Rhode Island, thanks to Ham's multi-generational wealth stemming from a great grandfather's patent on a special spring that fits onto any standard gasoline engine's third piston when run counter-clockwise, "Tempe" has mastered her role as Lady of the Manor having schooled herself in antiques collecting, nautical flag identification, silver patterns and tasteful taxidermy. Tempe and Ham host various hunts each year at their country home, so they have five bird dogs used primarily for these occasions. Tempe makes a big show of adoring these dogs but secretly she hates them because they're always sniffing her crotch while she tries to make pleasantries with their guests. What most people don't know about Temperance is that her birth name is Kiki Byrd and she is actually from a small town in W. Virginia where she worked as a cashier at Dairy Queen for several years, has an ex boyfriend who is now her town's chief meth dealer, wore a confederate flag bikini in the summers, and got in two actual fistfights as a teen. She also used to have a multi-pierced belly button and a rumored piercing farther south, if you know what I mean. But that's unconfirmed (it hurt a little just to write that). Eventually Kiki decided she was going to get out of that town after her cousin, Perry, approached her about working as a dancer at the strip club he owned located at the back of a truck stop. Kiki changed her name to Temperance and headed to New England, stringing together waitressing jobs long enough to allow her to prowl the high end restaurant bars on her nights off. She fed a false life story to many, but Ham Longfield finally took the bait, and the rest is history. Tempe is full of shit, and has actually convinced herself to feel legitimately superior to their domestic help, but she is also a survivor and had all of us fooled. So raise your Pabst to Temperance!

Sheridan

Meet Sheridan. Sheridan is an equestrian. She was born into a family of generational wealth and always had a braid in her hair until the age of 14. Sheridan's childhood was such that trips to the Caribbean, giant mansions and summer homes were passé and boring to her - normal shit. As Sheridan aged, she began to notice boys because they noticed her - at least someone was noticing her. So she messed around with the pool boy, the yard guy, the math tutor and even the lacrosse coach (oops). Sheridan eventually graduated to other stimulating conquests that took the form of powders and pills. She had quite an exciting reputation at her boarding school. Upon graduating she landed a prestigious internship with an established fashion house in New York but her heart wasn't in it. Then one day she met Erika, a chef in a restaurant where Sheridan was attending a work dinner. It was love at first sight and now they have two dogs and own a gourmet meal delivery service in Denver where Sheridan is starting a blog aimed at lesbian foodies. She's wearing braids again. The end.

Sandra

Meet Sandra. I know that on the outside Sandra may seem like an elegant, responsible, maybe snooty lady, but rest assured there is more to her. Yes she loves chinoiserie, pearls and expensive clothes but in two days she will descend upon Burning Man with the intensity of a Jack Russell on coke, which she will be on. She will sample a variety of psychedelics, noodle for 5 hours straight one night, eat 36 grilled cheese sandwiches, sleep with one yoga instructor, 2 investment bankers, and catch the clap. She will ride on the back of a 10-seater bike that shoots flames with a 75 year old vagabond named Stu who communicates through "beep" sounds. When she is done she will come back home where she has a successful dental practice and resume her life as usual. In her office she plays an adult contemporary Spotify playlist, but in her car she plays Lizzo.

Liz

She’s kind of a B and never protests when someone says something self deprecating so they all assume she agrees.

Kelly

Her stomach has become a real problem lately and she’s blaming it on lactose intolerance. Sure.

Claudia

This is a group of coworkers all preparing to draw names for Secret Santa at the office. Claudia is the boss and she is the most passive aggressive woman alive. When she disapproves of an employee’s decision she asks “and...how did we come to that conclusion?” She always refers to people as “we” even though she takes full credit for all good ideas. One of these ladies is notorious for putting half the bagels from the break room in her purse to take home. One spends an hour in stall #3 of the bathroom each morning to avoid work. One spends 65% of her day checking in on her online dating profiles - Jeff, a promising paralegal, just asked her to dinner at Olive Garden this Friday night.

Catherine

She had never actually attended one before and cannot get over the humiliation of showing up to this one in a Derby-style hat, quickly realizing this was not what everybody else was doing. Flustered, she has since overcompensated by trying to use an elevated vocabulary but just misused the word ‘obfuscate’ and awkwardly brought up her distant relationship to a state senator during a discussion about children’s’ summer camps. This is not going well.

Mug Shots

Mug shots. These three went for a girls’ night out in downtown Nashville, and in their wake was a brawl involving 9 men, a round of drinks for a bar that went unpaid, two non-medicinal joints, a spewing fire hydrant, and a weeping drag queen. It’s a long story.

Amy

She’s extremely uptight and feels completely justified. She refuses to go to the Publix up the road because one time the produce manager smelled like B.O. and now she “just can’t.”

Rachel

Meet Rachel. She’s trying very, very hard to be snarky but it’s falling flat. When you asked her how her day was going last week, she replied “better than yours” and then nudged your arm to indicate she’s kidding. Ooookay... At Christmas she sent out a long update letter with her card detailing family members, where her attempt at wit failed to hide her utter contempt for her husband. It was awkward for all readers. Rachel loves to post 1-2 sentence observations on social media as large white letters against various colorful backgrounds as if they may go viral at some point. These observations are usually about the idiocy of “people these days”, “most people” or begin with “you’d think people would learn by now”. Thank goodness for us she is among the few privileged enlightened so that we people can see the true lengths of our stupidity. This is all born from a severe self-consciousness of course. Headgear during the day until 9th grade, an unfortunate facial birth mark, and an endless string of misunderstood jokes. Rachel once farted loudly during a presentation in her public speaking class in college and still thinks about it monthly, 17 years later. Perhaps one day she’ll learn that you can only pull off snarky if you’re actually funny. But probably not. Her favorite song is still “I Hate Everything About You” by Ugly Kid Joe.

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