Hi I’m Amy, and people say I’m a grump just because I’m not perky and basic like everybody else in this town. Excuse me if I hate having a fire in the fireplace because I don’t like paying a higher gas bill. Christmas is stressful and annoying. I think Ryan Gosling is overrated and I’m not buying Keanu Reeves’s good guy act. I swear if I have to listen to one more Whitney Houston song...I wish those children would stop giggling, I can’t hear myself think. Ice cream gives me gas. I wish that golden retriever would leave me alone, he stinks. Yeah the Caribbean is nice if you like skin cancer. Every time I go to the beach I just get sand in my privates. Romantic comedies are neither romantic nor funny. Sex takes too long. Geez does that sunshine have to be so bright??? Yes I see that hot guy checking me out but I’m sure he has mommy issues like the rest of them. Newborns have weird skin. Calm down it’s just a rainbow. Calm down it’s just a lunar eclipse. Calm down it’s just horses. No we can’t stop to pee you have to hold it.
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
