Hi I’m Amy, and people say I’m a grump just because I’m not perky and basic like everybody else in this town. Excuse me if I hate having a fire in the fireplace because I don’t like paying a higher gas bill. Christmas is stressful and annoying. I think Ryan Gosling is overrated and I’m not buying Keanu Reeves’s good guy act. I swear if I have to listen to one more Whitney Houston song...I wish those children would stop giggling, I can’t hear myself think. Ice cream gives me gas. I wish that golden retriever would leave me alone, he stinks. Yeah the Caribbean is nice if you like skin cancer. Every time I go to the beach I just get sand in my privates. Romantic comedies are neither romantic nor funny. Sex takes too long. Geez does that sunshine have to be so bright??? Yes I see that hot guy checking me out but I’m sure he has mommy issues like the rest of them. Newborns have weird skin. Calm down it’s just a rainbow. Calm down it’s just a lunar eclipse. Calm down it’s just horses. No we can’t stop to pee you have to hold it.
Kate runs a thriving charity benefiting the homeless and somehow has time to be a doting mother to four children. And has her yoga certification. And no chin hairs....
This is the new Amy. This Amy would never have a gross refrigerator. She's not that kind of person. She's clean, organized and fresh. She feels sorry for the people with dirty fridge shelves and expired chicken stock boxes. She can't imagine having a 2 year old jar of pepperoncini peppers with mold on the inside of the lid. That's no way to live and Amy is glad she's the right kind of person. Yesterday Amy had two bags of clothes designated for Goodwill in her dining room corner. They'd been there for 2.5 months, eventually becoming invisible.
She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like – she “just doesn’t feel right about leaving the house“ if she’s not completely put together.