Hi I’m Amy, and people say I’m a grump just because I’m not perky and basic like everybody else in this town. Excuse me if I hate having a fire in the fireplace because I don’t like paying a higher gas bill. Christmas is stressful and annoying. I think Ryan Gosling is overrated and I’m not buying Keanu Reeves’s good guy act. I swear if I have to listen to one more Whitney Houston song...I wish those children would stop giggling, I can’t hear myself think. Ice cream gives me gas. I wish that golden retriever would leave me alone, he stinks. Yeah the Caribbean is nice if you like skin cancer. Every time I go to the beach I just get sand in my privates. Romantic comedies are neither romantic nor funny. Sex takes too long. Geez does that sunshine have to be so bright??? Yes I see that hot guy checking me out but I’m sure he has mommy issues like the rest of them. Newborns have weird skin. Calm down it’s just a rainbow. Calm down it’s just a lunar eclipse. Calm down it’s just horses. No we can’t stop to pee you have to hold it.
But tonight Harriett is going to rev Dan’s engine! She started with an immensely painful wax this morning which was also quite demoralizing, as Harriett certainly lived up to her name. Tonight she’ll corner Dan after the kids are in bed.
Meet Dottie.She’s that person you know who is obsessed with the Olympics.She hosts an opening ceremony viewing party each year and commands an intense focus normally reserved for a lottery drawing or a breaking news announcement
Of course she will have a cellophane wrapped gift for each teacher containing a candle, lotion, chocolate covered almonds and a $25 target gift card to be hand-delivered by their children on the first day.Her back windshield will be covered with bubble letters written in shoe polish exclaiming ‘Back to School for Paxton and Claxton!’
