Meet Marilyn, and I AM saying she’s a gold digger... Marilyn loves, loves all the sports teams in her city in a way that far surpasses her interest in any of the actual sports. She can be found at the employee entrance of many a sports arena, flirting with Burt, Clarence or Jim in an effort to gain access to the players-only areas. She succeeds 40% of the time. She has perfected her look to be sexy as well as cute in sports Jersey tops - not an easy feat. This requires very long hair, heavy makeup and enormous boobs. She picked up a few waitressing gigs at some medical conventions in town, but her experience has shown that those doctors don’t call back. Marilyn has gone several rounds of penicillin over the years, which cured her of her clap but not her Juicy Couture track suit phase. She’s a sucker for an obnoxious sports car, and swoons over Axe Body Spray. She can’t wait to have a giant stucco mansion one day with TONS of columns and two tiny dogs dyed pink. Just like a real housewife. Her favorite song is Material Girl. .
Meet Eileen. She’s just excited her pool is open. Eileen has always been a fixture at her neighborhood pool. This year she thought she might have to be pool-less for the summer but lo and behold the neighborhood association just announced the opening! White Claws, radio stations over the speakers, yelling at kids to stop running - she gets to have it all!!! 🙌 Somehow she knows all the lifeguards’ names within a week of the pool opening up. She also knows all the kids’ names that regularly come, but usually only half of their parents. Eileen has a visor to match every bathing suit, and has been known to clean out the pool herself with that net thingie when the lazy ass lifeguard wasn’t being helpful. She always has a romance novel in hand and has the decency to wait until 2:30 to crack open her first drink. She has a neighborhood crew that usually wanders in at some point during the day, and they one-by-one set up by Eileen, who has arrived an hour earlier to grab the best seats (with the umbrella that she likes to open after an hour and a half). She likes to yell at the lifeguards when they try to put hip hop on the radio (there are children around!) but sure loves that adult contemporary station. She is quite vocal about how the vending machines are stocked and once let her nipple slip out of her bathing suit when that new dentist from down the street was sitting nearby. Eileen’s favorite song is Cruel Summer. .
This is Alexis and she’s about to graduate from college! Poor thing has missed the end of her senior year but she’s faithfully scrapbooked all four years of her experience so she’s been pouring through the photos, ticket stubs, wrist bands and sorority date night t-shirts, reliving it all. There was that date night when she had no dinner and too much Captain Morgan and Coke, and ended up puking all night in her date’s apartment . Or how about when the security guard caught her smoking on the roof of her sorority house and she mooned him? Hope she appreciates that this is probably the best her ass will ever look. There were spontaneous road trips that involved piano bars, all-nighters, game days that ran long into the night, women’s studies classes, giant auditorium classes, band parties. One band party she got up on stage and did the talking part of David Allan Coe’s drunken anthem You never Even Called Me by My Name (“Well a friend of mine named Steve Goodman...”). She received multiple proposals that night for her efforts. So raise a glass to the graduates of 2020. It’s not an ideal end, but they still have 22 year old asses and their whole lives ahead of them! Alexis’s favorite song is “I Had the Time of My Life”. What a wonderful graduation gift this would make! A little something to take out into the world that strikes a sophisticated, stylish tone for the next adult chapter in life! Love this Lee Jofa (Kelly Wearstler) print, and the shiny medallion on top! Tap the photo to shop it and a few of its cousins!
Meet Poppy. She’s very prepared. By day she rolls her eyes at the hysteria surrounding the coronavirus. By night, she reads every article about it, imagining the worst-case scenarios. To avoid looking hysterical she started buying an extra 5 canned goods at her grocery outings back in mid-February. She got the second to last industrial-sized hand sanitizer at Sams. She’s washed her hands 20 times and it’s not even lunchtime. Her fingers are peeling. Poppy has enough toilet paper to prep for a colonoscopy every day for two months, and she bought additional ammo at Walmart today in case things get apocalyptic. Poppy looks so sweet and chipper but don’t try and raid her stash of Clorox wipes or you’ll find yourself on the business end of a Sig Sauer. Her favorite song is “Fever” by Peggy Lee. .
Meet Lilly and her sister Tilly. They are both obsessed with Lilly Pulitzer. In the morning they pour their coffee in their Lilly tumbler (monogrammed of course). Then they get dressed in a Lilly day dress or maybe a Lilly top with white jeans. Jack Rogers sandals, of course. Do they leave the house without makeup? Psht. Stop asking stupid questions. Lilly gets kind of irritated with Tilly because their children’s birthday parties have become a gladiatorial contest. Renting a petting zoo morphed into hiring a small circus troupe, and most recently Tilly paid gobs of money to have one of The Wiggles members come from Australia to perform live in their tented soirée on the beach. Guests were served ice cream from a vintage-style ice cream truck parked inside the giant tent, alongside 3 food trucks, and amid Ariel impersonators making dolphin balloon animal hats. For a child's 5th birthday. Lilly did a walk-through before the party started, lobbing passive-aggressive grenades such as “I guess we like to spend money in different ways” and “Good for you - I can’t stand hearing one more Wiggles song” or “plastic straws 100 feet from sea turtle nests? (raised eyebrows)”. Then Lilly’s final blow was to sleep with Anthony post-performance to see how he really wiggles. They compete but at the end of the day, these two are cut from the same cloth. They always look perfectly put together, and they are always in attendance at all the right events, but rest assured they aren’t perfect. Tilly screams into a pillow twice a day and Lilly has herpes.
Let me introduce you to Ashley. She tries to be a good girl but she’s just so baaaaad. Yesterday she made a right-hand turn with NO BLINKER. 😱 She knows she should buy reusable grocery bags but yes, plastic will be fine. No matter how much she tries to focus, dirty thoughts always seem to creep in while she’s at church. 😬 Ashley laughed when that woman tripped and fell outside of Applebee’s last week. She doesn’t wash her recycle trash before putting it in the bin - for that matter, she uses plastic water bottles like crazy. Monster. She knows she should reciprocate having playdates over at her house, but ugh it’s just too much. She refuses to make eye contact with the homeless, and she doesn’t donate her change at the checkout counter. I guess she could be worse.
I know we’ve seen this clutch before but it’s such a hit I wanted to be sure y’all knew it was back in stock!
Meet Jade. She’s a stay at home mom who’s getting her certification to be a yoga instructor - and you’re going to hear all about it. Jade rocks those spandex pants around town looking like a 12 year old boy from the waist down. She has a never ending supply of Lulu sports bras with all manner of straps on the backs. She’s always drinking some kind of green juice and won’t shut up about gut health. Jade breastfed her kids until they were 5, and her claim to fame is that yes, she tried out that Goop jade egg. 😏 Although she struts her new age health, she buries herself in the pantry 3 nights a week with a pint of ice cream and eats the whole thing. Ice cream all over her face and in her hair. Of course her favorite song is Ice Ice Baby. -
Ansley. She’s an aspiring author, but to tell you the truth, her writing is a little...basic. She’s toying with modern romances but she keeps returning to words like ‘heaving’, ‘throbbing’ and ‘pulsing’. Since she was a teen, Ansley has tried to smell fear but has found it to be odorless. She stares intensely into people’s eyes trying to detect anything other than what they’re conveying - fear? Love? Mischief? Are their eyes sparkling or did they just sneeze? What are all these books actually talking about??? Last month she ran into a friend at a party who had been watching her from across the room for an hour, trying to get her attention. The hairs on the back of her neck hadn’t even stood up!!! 🙄 She is convinced that her senses are failing her - how is she ever to become the next J.K. Rowling or E.L. James random first-time-author genius at this rate? Never mind her pen name would have to be A.F. McGilicutty and that doesn’t have the same ring to it. A.F. McGilicutty is not a name that springs forth an international panty-dropping bestseller about a teenage girl wrapped up in a love triangle between a zombie and a talking polar bear. HAWT! Nor does it sound right for a novel about a ball-busting female attorney who encounters a brash construction worker outside of her office and develops a contentious, and eventually heartwarming romance with him. What an unlikely duo!! She really loves how he doesn’t put up with her crap - how refreshing! Maybe she should think about a book series revolving around a detective that turns into a unicorn by the light of the moon and falls in love with a deer that has cancer... -
Meet Pascal. She’s a young free spirit and has just spent 10 minutes regaling you with tales of her recent 3 month trip to Marrakech. Easy to be a young free spirit when you’re the youngest child of one of Atlanta’s top investment advisors. She attended the most expensive and prestigious private school in Atlanta and was in the snootiest sorority at UGA, but through it all she insisted on looking like she may or may not have just rolled out of bed. Or rolled a joint.
Natalie retired from a brief stint as a Playboy Bunny five years ago when she met Alan "Sleeper" Stanton while serving him a cocktail. Alan was recognizable from his local commercials as the "Mattress King of Poughkeepsie" despite his total lack of charisma, or even vocal inflection, in all his years starring in his own commercials. Natalie sauntered up to his table in those iconic ears, cuffs and tail, took one look at his shiny complexion and unfortunate eyebrow mole, and knew this was the one. Sure she got a whiff of gum disease as he regaled her, in a sultry monotone voice, with a behind-the-scenes look at the sexy world of wholesale mattresses, but he owned TEN mattress stores! He drove a Cadillac SUV for crying out loud! They went out to dinner the very next night - there was truffle oil on the breadsticks (!!) - and then he took her back to his place. Travertine as far as the eye could see! An indoor fountain in the foyer! Stainless steel appliances throughout, for crying out loud! Natalie knew this was her ticket to the next level. She bid farewell to her fellow bunnies just 3 short months later, and married Alan in a quaint ceremony with 600 of their closest friends and family. There were swans, ornate thrones at the head table for the bride and groom, and even a six string quartet for crying out loud! It was a celebration fit for a queen...Mattress Queen of Poughkeepsie, that is. If you recognize Natalie, it's probably from the new commercials...
Meet Dorian. Dorian is the biggest asshole you know. In early September he sailed up the east coast from south Florida to the Outer Banks and she's talked about it nonstop for weeks. It was all "teak" this and "starboard" that. Douchebag. Dorian is that guy that says he's coming to stay, so you stock up. But then he takes FOREVER to get there - one minute he's coming, next minute he's decided to stay over in the Bahamas for obnoxiously long (they hate him there). By the time he does get to your house, you're hammered and you've had 5x the carbs you intended (he's a fat shit so you got all junk food). He completely trashed your house, is full of bluster and hot air, and wet the bed. You have missed 3 days of work, have a terrible headache and have to spend two days cleaning up after him. Last I heard he was heading out to the Atlantic for God knows where. What a douchebag.
This is Celia. She's the queen of Dublin, GA. I know she has mastered the refined Southern lady vibe but friend, Celia has a bonfire ready to flare up at a moment's notice. She plays tennis but always pre-games with mimosas, and once told Patricia on Team B that she wishes she WOULD serve that first serve at her face and she'll knock her so hard she'll think the ground flew up and hit her. She monograms everything with a matching shade of celadon to create a calming mood in her home, but if her husband pisses her off and walks out of the room, she shoots him a bird so aggressively that her middle finger leads her across the room as if on autopilot. Celia is a really good time on the porch after dinner but after her best 3 stories she gets windy as a sack full of farts. She's delightful in most ways, just don't cross her. She ahs been a season ticket holder to Georgia games for 35 years. GO DAWGS!
