Meet Michelle. She’s a gorgeous health nut 🙄. She has goddess hair like those Mormon bloggers, and people actually DO ask her about her skincare routine and she provides them with some South Korean skin mask made from salmon roe and lemur placenta mixed with your own blood plasma. It costs $375 for 4 oz but you’re sitting here looking at her face and actually considering it. She does a juice cleanse every 3 months and meditates an hour each day. She’s laid back and soothing, and yes of course I totally hate her too. I mean, I know for a fact that she uses tinted moisturizer so don’t for a second let her try to tell you she doesn’t wear makeup. Also, it must be nice to go on 2-week health retreats in the Sonoran Desert. I just finished treatment for a fungal infection and you’ve had to be pulled aside by your kid’s basketball coach to remind you to set a good example for sportsmanlike conduct, and meanwhile, this bitch ordered size 0 yoga pants yesterday while painting a pastoral scene in her upstairs studio. 😡 *deep breath* Anyway like I was saying, she really is so sweet and OF COURSE, she is a yoga instructor, why even ask??!! Michelle’s favorite song is “Under Pressure”...
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
