Meet Michelle. She’s a gorgeous health nut 🙄. She has goddess hair like those Mormon bloggers, and people actually DO ask her about her skincare routine and she provides them with some South Korean skin mask made from salmon roe and lemur placenta mixed with your own blood plasma. It costs $375 for 4 oz but you’re sitting here looking at her face and actually considering it. She does a juice cleanse every 3 months and meditates an hour each day. She’s laid back and soothing, and yes of course I totally hate her too. I mean, I know for a fact that she uses tinted moisturizer so don’t for a second let her try to tell you she doesn’t wear makeup. Also, it must be nice to go on 2-week health retreats in the Sonoran Desert. I just finished treatment for a fungal infection and you’ve had to be pulled aside by your kid’s basketball coach to remind you to set a good example for sportsmanlike conduct, and meanwhile, this bitch ordered size 0 yoga pants yesterday while painting a pastoral scene in her upstairs studio. 😡 *deep breath* Anyway like I was saying, she really is so sweet and OF COURSE, she is a yoga instructor, why even ask??!! Michelle’s favorite song is “Under Pressure”...
But tonight Harriett is going to rev Dan’s engine! She started with an immensely painful wax this morning which was also quite demoralizing, as Harriett certainly lived up to her name. Tonight she’ll corner Dan after the kids are in bed.
Meet Dottie.She’s that person you know who is obsessed with the Olympics.She hosts an opening ceremony viewing party each year and commands an intense focus normally reserved for a lottery drawing or a breaking news announcement
Of course she will have a cellophane wrapped gift for each teacher containing a candle, lotion, chocolate covered almonds and a $25 target gift card to be hand-delivered by their children on the first day.Her back windshield will be covered with bubble letters written in shoe polish exclaiming ‘Back to School for Paxton and Claxton!’