Meet Coral. She holds everything in. When her coworker threw her under the bus in a meeting last week, she sat silently, taking deep breaths and said nothing (plotting an elaborate murder involving ants and a power drill). When she was cut off in traffic she pursed her lips, but because her kids were in the car, her middle finger stayed put and she said nothing. When her husband suggested Five Guys for their monthly date night, she bit her tongue and forced a smile, ordering a double cheeseburger and a shake. When her pickleball partner slammed the ball out of bounds 3 times in a row, Coral managed to force out a “good try” while envisioning launching the pickleball into her ass on the next serve. All of this restraint is why, when Coral was in the hardware store this afternoon and discovered they were out of the potting soil she likes, Coral went ballistic. When the man working there suggested a different bag of soil, she screamed “THIS CRAP??!!” and proceeded to rip open the bag and dump it all over the floor. She then ripped open the next bag and ran around the aisle dumping out the contents all over the floor. The look on his face sent her into maniacal laughter, and in a moment of fantastically inspired lunacy, she grabbed a broom from the end cap and began to ride it around the spray paint aisle like a witch, cackling. As the police forcibly removed her from the store she thrashed wildly, knocking over the Yeti cooler display, and managing to grab three miniature Junior Mints boxes.
One of the new box clutches!! She comes with a shoulder chain, and is lined inside white linen. She’ll hold in everything you need her to. Tap the photo to shop her!
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
