This is Griselda - a 3rd generation female drug cartel boss. She's been surrounded by opulence since birth. By age 19 she was a master equestrian, an amateur race car driver, a legendary sharpshooter, and an accomplished flirt. She's rumored to walk around at parties with a baby alligator on a diamond leash, surrounded by bodyguards. Her first husband, may he rest in peace, was murdered outside of a Colombian café by a rival cartel. Her second husband, may he rest in peace, was kidnapped by yet another cartel and eventually strangled. Her third husband, may he rest in peace, just disappeared one day and his body was found months later due to an anonymous tip. When her hit men carry out a hit, they walk calmly through the streets with a trio of musicians following behind to signal and serenade the coming carnage. She is a legend and will one day be imprisoned on charges of money laundering, but will only serve 5 years. There are many Colombian folk songs written about her, but her favorite band is still Menudo.
Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices.
Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!
Meet Tina. She gets triggered easily, but she means well. Lately she’s been trying to clean up her language - for the kids. She’s learning how unsatisfying “gosh” and “darn” are. “Rats” is just completely off the table, and she’s on the fence about whether or not it’s ok to say “crap”.
