Lauren

This is Lauren. She has recently learned that she is anemic after a 5-year absence from her PCP due to a long-standing needle phobia. Now that she is officially anemic, she has noticed all manner of ailments that she’s never noticed before. Excessive bloating. Fatigue. Brain fog (she’s read a lot about that - surely this is why she can’t calculate tips in her head), dry skin...the list goes on. Headaches? Why yes she had one just last week. And why has her left ankle been itching for no reason at night??? Come to think of it, her eyes have been burning all week. Retinal issues? Wait, when was her last bowel movement? And the one before that? Maybe she should start a poop spreadsheet. Lauren has a spotty history with this sort of thing - she once diagnosed her toddler with scarlet fever based on google alone. But this particular phase has cost her $500 in home testing kits for everything from DNA to fecal samples determining gut bacterial health. These kits will lead to $250 worth of supplements and probiotics monthly, which Lauren expects will result in her stomach shrinking until it is concave, her complexion to develop an actual luminous sparkly shine, and brilliant light to shoot out of her vagina. Just give it 6 months. Lauren’s favorite song is “Walking on Sunshine”.

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Mommy Lauren

Meet Lauren. She’s a mom. Lauren has been there for her children every step of the way. There was that time her 2 year old got into his poopy diaper at quiet time and played in it for 30 minutes before he was discovered- poop was in every crevice in that room. Or how about the absolute agony she endured pushing her

PALMER

She just dragged the groom out onto the dance floor and tried to twerk in front of him. She heckled the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet (something along the lines of “IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!”) and just asked the mother of the bride for a cigarette. 😬

SHE'S PERFECT

She’s not nearly as perfect as she seems, and that makes you like her a little more doesn’t it?