This is Lauren. She has recently learned that she is anemic after a 5-year absence from her PCP due to a long-standing needle phobia. Now that she is officially anemic, she has noticed all manner of ailments that she’s never noticed before. Excessive bloating. Fatigue. Brain fog (she’s read a lot about that - surely this is why she can’t calculate tips in her head), dry skin...the list goes on. Headaches? Why yes she had one just last week. And why has her left ankle been itching for no reason at night??? Come to think of it, her eyes have been burning all week. Retinal issues? Wait, when was her last bowel movement? And the one before that? Maybe she should start a poop spreadsheet. Lauren has a spotty history with this sort of thing - she once diagnosed her toddler with scarlet fever based on google alone. But this particular phase has cost her $500 in home testing kits for everything from DNA to fecal samples determining gut bacterial health. These kits will lead to $250 worth of supplements and probiotics monthly, which Lauren expects will result in her stomach shrinking until it is concave, her complexion to develop an actual luminous sparkly shine, and brilliant light to shoot out of her vagina. Just give it 6 months. Lauren’s favorite song is “Walking on Sunshine”.
Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices.
Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!
Meet Tina. She gets triggered easily, but she means well. Lately she’s been trying to clean up her language - for the kids. She’s learning how unsatisfying “gosh” and “darn” are. “Rats” is just completely off the table, and she’s on the fence about whether or not it’s ok to say “crap”.