Rooney is constantly grooming herself which can seem very self-absorbed but then you look at her and she's so damn cute, and she just loves you so much you'll forgive her anything. Even the fact that she pukes...a lot. You've tried to explore whether or not she has a problem but you've basically just decided it's something you have to live with. Your husband also hates her, and basically refuses to acknowledge her but he'll never understand your bond. You love her in spite of the fact that she always wants to sit directly on your keyboard - how has it not broken yet? Or
Continue Reading
Abigail knew she had to step up her game. Now she will only listen to music on vinyl records, she has taken up smoking Virginia Slims, and is vegan, of course. Abigail wears thick-rimmed tortoise shell glasses that are not prescription and are totally unnecessary. She wore overalls last Tuesday. She is planning a pilgrimage next year to visit the childhood homes of dead Pulitzer Prize winning authors who have died what she considers to be "tragic deaths" in order
Continue Reading
Meet Donatella. Her family owns the Gucci empire and she's not subtle about it. Well...by her "family" it's really a second cousin once-removed by marriage on her step-mother's side. And Donatella lives in Columbia. South Carolina. Also her real name is Emily but she insists Donatella is a family name. That does not stop her from establishing her questionable lineage in the most public and sensational ways possible, all over town!
Continue Reading
Meet Brooke - she’s the 17 year old overzealous lifeguard at your pool. Brooke may be spending her summer weekend nights getting drunk on the peach Schnapps at the back of her parents’ liquor cabinet, but during the days she’s drunk on power. She wields that whistle with the hair-trigger sensitivity of a sniper. Only 2 weeks into pool season and she has all the 11-and-under’s terrified to run. They all look like little power-walking Karens hustling their way around that pool. The other day one of the moms tried to sneak a bottle of champagne in her cooler for mimosas. She tried so hard to be discreet but the pop of the cork signaled VIOLATION. Brooke’s head swiveled to the side and she spotted the offending bottle, issuing a sharp “No glass”. Well, not sharp exactly. It was monotone like the way she orders “Walk” Or “No chicken fights” Or “Adult swim”. Like a bored 17 year old but yet there must be more to her. What light dances in the eyes behind those aviators? What secrets lie beneath that stern lifeguard poker face? The shrill squeal of her whistle is her calling card, and sunburned, stinging-eyed children coked up on popsicles are her flock. She will prevent aggressive dunking...sometimes. She will not let you dive, will not let you run, will not speak to anyone. No she does not babysit, stop asking. But with that killer tan, red bathing suit and a solemn countenance she is a beacon of strength and obedience. Thank you Lifeguard Brooke, you unsung hero! 🎖
