This is Diane, but she's quietly assuming you knew that. Diane's husband is a partner in the city's most prosperous law firm. Diane lives a sparkly life and wants you to know it. She makes a show of exasperation about the string of black and white tie events they attend but she secretly loves the glitz. She's a master of the humble-brag. The other day you overheard her telling someone she couldn't possibly have gotten through these past couple of months of renovating the pool house without her interior designer (she's glad the workers are making progress each day but do they have to be so LOUD???). Last night Diane accidentally farted in front of her husband for the first time in 13 years of marriage and he pretended not to hear it. Her favorite song is "Hold On" by Wilson Philips.
Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices.
Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!
Meet Tina. She gets triggered easily, but she means well. Lately she’s been trying to clean up her language - for the kids. She’s learning how unsatisfying “gosh” and “darn” are. “Rats” is just completely off the table, and she’s on the fence about whether or not it’s ok to say “crap”.
