Alice has been living a clean life since she was a child. Sure, she indulges in the occasional dessert (special occasions only!), or a periodic glass of wine (one glass of red wine per week!). But beyond dipping her toe into these decadent pleasure pools, Alice lives life on the straight and narrow. Bed by 9:30, rise no later than 7:15. Twenty minutes of exercise 5 out of 7 days of the week, no exceptions. Documentaries only, and TV off by 8:00. Protein and vegetables comprise 85% of Alice's diet. But recently Alice took a walk on the wild side due to a prolonged spate of insomnia, and boy is her mind blown!!! Alice, on the advice of a good friend whom she affectionately refers to as "so bad!" visited a CBD store in the strip mall over by Staples to buy some Delta 9. She never thought she'd be the kind of person rubbing elbows with nefarious, long-haired men or people with tattoos, yet here she was. The suggestive green CBD loomed large and bright above her as she hurried inside, unsure and panicked. The man behind the counter had four facial piercings and several tattoos but did not snarl at her or try to attack her sexually. She timidly informed him of what she sought, feeling shameful and thrillingly counter-culture at the same time. She left with a bottle of gummies (placed in the trunk in the hidden spare tire compartment just in case), which immediately worked wonders for her sleep. Here she sits a week later, having decided to double up on the dose to see what happens (she's heard rumors). WHOA. Never before has 60 Minutes been so hilarious!! Why does she feel like she's floating?? Why is her mouth dry?? Suddenly she realizes she knows what the color purple feels like. WHAT IS GOING ON??
This is the new Amy. This Amy would never have a gross refrigerator. She's not that kind of person. She's clean, organized and fresh. She feels sorry for the people with dirty fridge shelves and expired chicken stock boxes. She can't imagine having a 2 year old jar of pepperoncini peppers with mold on the inside of the lid. That's no way to live and Amy is glad she's the right kind of person. Yesterday Amy had two bags of clothes designated for Goodwill in her dining room corner. They'd been there for 2.5 months, eventually becoming invisible.
She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like – she “just doesn’t feel right about leaving the house“ if she’s not completely put together.