Alice has been living a clean life since she was a child. Sure, she indulges in the occasional dessert (special occasions only!), or a periodic glass of wine (one glass of red wine per week!). But beyond dipping her toe into these decadent pleasure pools, Alice lives life on the straight and narrow. Bed by 9:30, rise no later than 7:15. Twenty minutes of exercise 5 out of 7 days of the week, no exceptions. Documentaries only, and TV off by 8:00. Protein and vegetables comprise 85% of Alice's diet. But recently Alice took a walk on the wild side due to a prolonged spate of insomnia, and boy is her mind blown!!! Alice, on the advice of a good friend whom she affectionately refers to as "so bad!" visited a CBD store in the strip mall over by Staples to buy some Delta 9. She never thought she'd be the kind of person rubbing elbows with nefarious, long-haired men or people with tattoos, yet here she was. The suggestive green CBD loomed large and bright above her as she hurried inside, unsure and panicked. The man behind the counter had four facial piercings and several tattoos but did not snarl at her or try to attack her sexually. She timidly informed him of what she sought, feeling shameful and thrillingly counter-culture at the same time. She left with a bottle of gummies (placed in the trunk in the hidden spare tire compartment just in case), which immediately worked wonders for her sleep. Here she sits a week later, having decided to double up on the dose to see what happens (she's heard rumors). WHOA. Never before has 60 Minutes been so hilarious!! Why does she feel like she's floating?? Why is her mouth dry?? Suddenly she realizes she knows what the color purple feels like. WHAT IS GOING ON??
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
