EVERYBODY LOOK AT KIM!!! She’ll make sure you do, because Kim is an attention whore. As a child Kim put on approximately 1,478 skits and small performances for unsuspecting friends of her parents’, neighbors, family pets and imaginary friends. As a teen, Kim attended an R.E.M. concert that was being recorded live, and discovered if she waited until a quiet moment she could scream really loud and garner enormous attention as well as be heard on the recording in perpetuity. From then on, Kim became a serious attention whore. Massive amounts of beads at Mardi Gras (if you catch my drift). Karaoke every weekend. Excessively loud sneezing. Exaggerated blood sugar issues. The loudest music at a red light. Record holder for most bachelorette parties attended. This all came to a head last spring when her boyfriend took her to the Masters and Kim yelled “Get it in the hole!” on Bubba Watson’s back swing, causing him to shank the ball and a nearby fan to call her the c-word. They were escorted out of the tournament, and Kim found herself single two days later. Kim sure is fun, though. You just have to let her be the star, and never take her anywhere quiet.
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
