EVERYBODY LOOK AT KIM!!! She’ll make sure you do, because Kim is an attention whore. As a child Kim put on approximately 1,478 skits and small performances for unsuspecting friends of her parents’, neighbors, family pets and imaginary friends. As a teen, Kim attended an R.E.M. concert that was being recorded live, and discovered if she waited until a quiet moment she could scream really loud and garner enormous attention as well as be heard on the recording in perpetuity. From then on, Kim became a serious attention whore. Massive amounts of beads at Mardi Gras (if you catch my drift). Karaoke every weekend. Excessively loud sneezing. Exaggerated blood sugar issues. The loudest music at a red light. Record holder for most bachelorette parties attended. This all came to a head last spring when her boyfriend took her to the Masters and Kim yelled “Get it in the hole!” on Bubba Watson’s back swing, causing him to shank the ball and a nearby fan to call her the c-word. They were escorted out of the tournament, and Kim found herself single two days later. Kim sure is fun, though. You just have to let her be the star, and never take her anywhere quiet.
Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices.
Meet Mrs. Claws. You’re much more acquainted with her husband, of course, with his miraculous trip to each child on earth every Christmas. His distribution of that perfect gift that was exactly what was requested - the delight contained in the stockings Christmas morning. Oh, isn’t he exalted!
Meet Tina. She gets triggered easily, but she means well. Lately she’s been trying to clean up her language - for the kids. She’s learning how unsatisfying “gosh” and “darn” are. “Rats” is just completely off the table, and she’s on the fence about whether or not it’s ok to say “crap”.
