Meet Macy. She has perfect vision. Some might even say “2020” vision (stay with me here...). This b*tch is out to ruin your life. First, she went on a trip over to China, where she posted endless selfies in front of exotic and beautiful places (including a bat sanctuary and a bio lab). She came back feeling and seeming totally fine, but did have a scratchy throat. So she asked for a sip of your drink at lunch, and next thing you know you’re on a ventilator. After your eventual recovery you discovered she had managed to make you lose your job and two weeks later she stood outside your house holding up signs with some of her friends, chanting mean things about you, and then they lit your house on fire. Now she has told all of your mutual friends that you’re a racist pedophile billionaire who eats babies and has invested in a vaccine scam so nobody will talk to you anymore. Since your house burned down you now have to quarantine with your parents, sleeping beneath the “Hang in There” kitten poster in their office (which used to be your bedroom) and you’re watching all eleven CSI versions on a nightly basis. Your mom won’t stop chatting about the results of her Facebook quizzes - what your shoe color says about your IQ! You’re pretty sure Macy’s the one who actually killed Kobe Bryant.
This is the new Amy. This Amy would never have a gross refrigerator. She's not that kind of person. She's clean, organized and fresh. She feels sorry for the people with dirty fridge shelves and expired chicken stock boxes. She can't imagine having a 2 year old jar of pepperoncini peppers with mold on the inside of the lid. That's no way to live and Amy is glad she's the right kind of person. Yesterday Amy had two bags of clothes designated for Goodwill in her dining room corner. They'd been there for 2.5 months, eventually becoming invisible.
She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like – she “just doesn’t feel right about leaving the house“ if she’s not completely put together.