Meet Macy. She has perfect vision. Some might even say “2020” vision (stay with me here...). This b*tch is out to ruin your life. First, she went on a trip over to China, where she posted endless selfies in front of exotic and beautiful places (including a bat sanctuary and a bio lab). She came back feeling and seeming totally fine, but did have a scratchy throat. So she asked for a sip of your drink at lunch, and next thing you know you’re on a ventilator. After your eventual recovery you discovered she had managed to make you lose your job and two weeks later she stood outside your house holding up signs with some of her friends, chanting mean things about you, and then they lit your house on fire. Now she has told all of your mutual friends that you’re a racist pedophile billionaire who eats babies and has invested in a vaccine scam so nobody will talk to you anymore. Since your house burned down you now have to quarantine with your parents, sleeping beneath the “Hang in There” kitten poster in their office (which used to be your bedroom) and you’re watching all eleven CSI versions on a nightly basis. Your mom won’t stop chatting about the results of her Facebook quizzes - what your shoe color says about your IQ! You’re pretty sure Macy’s the one who actually killed Kobe Bryant.
But tonight Harriett is going to rev Dan’s engine! She started with an immensely painful wax this morning which was also quite demoralizing, as Harriett certainly lived up to her name. Tonight she’ll corner Dan after the kids are in bed.
Meet Dottie.She’s that person you know who is obsessed with the Olympics.She hosts an opening ceremony viewing party each year and commands an intense focus normally reserved for a lottery drawing or a breaking news announcement
Of course she will have a cellophane wrapped gift for each teacher containing a candle, lotion, chocolate covered almonds and a $25 target gift card to be hand-delivered by their children on the first day.Her back windshield will be covered with bubble letters written in shoe polish exclaiming ‘Back to School for Paxton and Claxton!’
