Meet Macy. She has perfect vision. Some might even say “2020” vision (stay with me here...). This b*tch is out to ruin your life. First, she went on a trip over to China, where she posted endless selfies in front of exotic and beautiful places (including a bat sanctuary and a bio lab). She came back feeling and seeming totally fine, but did have a scratchy throat. So she asked for a sip of your drink at lunch, and next thing you know you’re on a ventilator. After your eventual recovery you discovered she had managed to make you lose your job and two weeks later she stood outside your house holding up signs with some of her friends, chanting mean things about you, and then they lit your house on fire. Now she has told all of your mutual friends that you’re a racist pedophile billionaire who eats babies and has invested in a vaccine scam so nobody will talk to you anymore. Since your house burned down you now have to quarantine with your parents, sleeping beneath the “Hang in There” kitten poster in their office (which used to be your bedroom) and you’re watching all eleven CSI versions on a nightly basis. Your mom won’t stop chatting about the results of her Facebook quizzes - what your shoe color says about your IQ! You’re pretty sure Macy’s the one who actually killed Kobe Bryant.
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
