Meet Ssstacey. She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like - she “just doesn’t feel right leaving the house” if she’s not completely put together. She told Kim last night that she overheard some ladies at tennis saying that she drinks too much. She hit on poor, pudgy Tom at Lisa’s birthday dinner just to show that she could make him blush, and then announced “Tom are you actually blushing??” loudly to the entire table. Stacey says things like “don’t worry about what people like Dana think - I know the real you” when you thought Dana liked you. Or “you should really take advantage of Mary’s weight loss and see if she’ll give you some of her gorgeous dresses”. She tempts and tempts you with wine and juicy, ripe gossip and then when you finally eat the apple she slithers away to betray you and reveal your admissions. Her favorite song is “Cold Hearted Snake” by Paula Abdul. TAKE HER HOME!
As Courtney was handed the rule pamphlet, she swore she saw the Da Vinci code. Symbols swirled around, English words became foreign and strange. She somehow now knows how to set up a VCR after reading them, but still does not quite understand how to win atMahjong.
Last week she ordered each of them one of those gadgets that shatters your car window in case of a full water immersion. She also ordered a wind up radio. You know, in case the power grid goes down. She changed the air filters in the house last month, and commented that Olive Garden is a heck of a deal if you get a family sized pan with a five dollar take-home add-on. She’s been cracking open a Bud heavy after yoga class lately, and finally decided to try out a MyPillow.
But here she sits, six years after her appointment with WIDK reporting on milk prices, beauty pageants, the occasional car theft, Alderman election scandals, and downtown green space clean up efforts. This stupid little town doesn’t deserve her. She’s meant for greatness, and she despises their perky greetings on the streets....
