Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices. One of those natural-born achievers who just can’t help but adequately prepare for life’s challenges. She must be drinking tons of water, they’re likely thinking. She’s probably a runner, and never eats the rolls at dinner, they’ve surely surmised. Her legs are probably cleanly shaved, they clearly assume. Candi has crafted her persona around giving the impression of capability, organization and natural effortlessness. The only problem is, Candi has not purchased one damn gift. Not one. It’s December 1st and although she has plenty of time and is in good company, she cannot bring herself to admit that she is not the picture of perfection that she has presented. Also she doesn’t really even exercise, except walking twice per month in an effort to start exercising. She eats her kids’ Cheez-it snack packs when nobody is home and quietly blames her husband when the kids protest at the empty pantry. Her sheets are pilled from leg stubble. And the pie she took to Thanksgiving was store bought. Oh Candi, you don’t have to fake it with us. TAKE HER HOME!
This is the new Amy. This Amy would never have a gross refrigerator. She's not that kind of person. She's clean, organized and fresh. She feels sorry for the people with dirty fridge shelves and expired chicken stock boxes. She can't imagine having a 2 year old jar of pepperoncini peppers with mold on the inside of the lid. That's no way to live and Amy is glad she's the right kind of person. Yesterday Amy had two bags of clothes designated for Goodwill in her dining room corner. They'd been there for 2.5 months, eventually becoming invisible.
She slithers her way in and out of friend groups, wreaking havoc anywhere she can. She told you last week how much she admires you for not caring what you look like – she “just doesn’t feel right about leaving the house“ if she’s not completely put together.