Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices. One of those natural-born achievers who just can’t help but adequately prepare for life’s challenges. She must be drinking tons of water, they’re likely thinking. She’s probably a runner, and never eats the rolls at dinner, they’ve surely surmised. Her legs are probably cleanly shaved, they clearly assume. Candi has crafted her persona around giving the impression of capability, organization and natural effortlessness. The only problem is, Candi has not purchased one damn gift. Not one. It’s December 1st and although she has plenty of time and is in good company, she cannot bring herself to admit that she is not the picture of perfection that she has presented. Also she doesn’t really even exercise, except walking twice per month in an effort to start exercising. She eats her kids’ Cheez-it snack packs when nobody is home and quietly blames her husband when the kids protest at the empty pantry. Her sheets are pilled from leg stubble. And the pie she took to Thanksgiving was store bought. Oh Candi, you don’t have to fake it with us. TAKE HER HOME!
But tonight Harriett is going to rev Dan’s engine! She started with an immensely painful wax this morning which was also quite demoralizing, as Harriett certainly lived up to her name. Tonight she’ll corner Dan after the kids are in bed.
Meet Dottie.She’s that person you know who is obsessed with the Olympics.She hosts an opening ceremony viewing party each year and commands an intense focus normally reserved for a lottery drawing or a breaking news announcement
Of course she will have a cellophane wrapped gift for each teacher containing a candle, lotion, chocolate covered almonds and a $25 target gift card to be hand-delivered by their children on the first day.Her back windshield will be covered with bubble letters written in shoe polish exclaiming ‘Back to School for Paxton and Claxton!’
