Meet Candi. She has been telling everybody since October 15th (casually, in passing, to everybody she comes in contact with) that she is done with her Christmas shopping. It’s almost as if she doesn’t realize that this will elicit praise and envy…almost. But the little sniff she makes at the end of her sentence is her poker tell. It gives her away that she’s just knowingly bragged and is anticipating a wave of self-satisfaction as the recipient dutifully gushes over Candi and her superior life choices. One of those natural-born achievers who just can’t help but adequately prepare for life’s challenges. She must be drinking tons of water, they’re likely thinking. She’s probably a runner, and never eats the rolls at dinner, they’ve surely surmised. Her legs are probably cleanly shaved, they clearly assume. Candi has crafted her persona around giving the impression of capability, organization and natural effortlessness. The only problem is, Candi has not purchased one damn gift. Not one. It’s December 1st and although she has plenty of time and is in good company, she cannot bring herself to admit that she is not the picture of perfection that she has presented. Also she doesn’t really even exercise, except walking twice per month in an effort to start exercising. She eats her kids’ Cheez-it snack packs when nobody is home and quietly blames her husband when the kids protest at the empty pantry. Her sheets are pilled from leg stubble. And the pie she took to Thanksgiving was store bought. Oh Candi, you don’t have to fake it with us. TAKE HER HOME!
Meet Elizabeth. She has a giant Goldendoodle, Charles, whose exuberance for life can be endearing for some, but downright dangerous for others. Upon greeting newcomers to her home, Charles immediately jumps up to lick their faces - sometimes springing up into the air and crashing into their nose.
She goes into the pool restroom barefoot. She worked a stint in the infant room at a daycare center and was completely unphased by the diaper changing and poop getting on her fingers. Bodily fluids do not bother Judes, regardless of whether they come from human or animal.
Now that she's in her thirties, and still single, she finds it a bit harder to endure her romantic ideals but she will not give up hope! Surely there is a gorgeous man out there who loves to talk about his feelings, monogamy, loves to buy little presents for no reason, would totally get her sense of humor,
