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Purse Profiles

PALMER

She just dragged the groom out onto the dance floor and tried to twerk in front of him. She heckled the single ladies gathered to catch the bouquet (something along the lines of “IT’S NOT WORTH IT!!”) and just asked the mother of the bride for a cigarette. 😬

SHE'S PERFECT

She’s not nearly as perfect as she seems, and that makes you like her a little more doesn’t it?

Candi & Candlebox...

Through a mouthful of braces and an unforgiving curtain of half-grown out bangs, she would croon the hypnotic melodies of her time: “Runaway Train”, “Fade Into You”, “Evenflo”...”Loser”. ...

She's A Monster...

Lacroix is gross.
3 Doors Down is the voice of our generation.
There’s nothing cozier than sleeping in socks (thermostat set at a cozy 75).
Checkers has the best fries. OH Dolly....

HOT MOMS

The four of them will don their masks tonight and make their way to Chili’s for bottomless wings and margaritas. They’ll sit in the bar area because HOTMAMA is in the market for a new man. She’ll be sure to be a little sexy and let her black bra strap slip out.

"Welcome to the Jungle"

She will also remind Farrah in a million different ways that she is the CURRENT First Lady of Fish and Wildlife Paradise. She emphasizes this through her unapologetic use of large gemstone jewelry and luxury-branded accessories. Farrah’s father in law and brothers in law are not comfortable making eye contact with her yet so she’ll have to see how that goes but that’s not a great sign.

It's Complicated

Teegan is complicated, and requires patience but she is more fun than you can imagine, and funny every day. And she loves fiercely so you wouldn’t trade her for the world.

Which one is the real Courtney?

As a young girl Courtney realized she was looking down at her friends. At first it meant that she always had to be the daddy when they played house. As they got older and she became interested in boys, she found that she towered over most of them. Except Seth who still picked his nose and always threatened to wipe it on people. Seth was not an option....

Galentines Girls

They’ll go to the nicest French restaurant in town, where they will order continuous bottles of champagne and get so drunk that Tawnee will begin berating their waiter, basically for being a man, but then will end up making out with him in the employees-only storage room at the end of the meal.

Go Beth, Go!

Beth always has a perky smile on her face and a ribbon in her hair. Nobody wields glitter like Beth, always ready for a quick poster or a dazzling locker decoration. She can B-E-A-G-G-R-E-S-S-I-V-E.

The Sex Ed Teacher

Meet Katie. She’s a Sex Ed teacher at Sherwood Middle School, and she does not mince words. Katie has been explaining the birds and the bees to fifth graders for 15 years and her matter-of-fact manner makes her perfect for the job. She makes intense, unbreakable eye contact with the 11 year old boys as she explains how their testacles will soon drop - is impervious to their red faces and squirming as she details all the places they will grow hair.

Lucinda

Her best friend is having to practically pin her down to prevent her from cutting bangs that end 3 inches above her eyebrows. Lucinda is already planning her trip to England for when this pandemic lets up. Her husband has certainly benefited from her Bridgerton viewing, if you know what I mean,

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